Friday, June 23, 2006

Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me

13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.

14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.

15. Making your bed is a waste of time.

16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.

17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

18. If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.

19. Toads aren't ugly, they're just toads.

20. Don't pop someone else's bubble.

21. You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.

22. If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you'll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.

23. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.

24. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.

25. Make your mother proud of you.

Friday, June 16, 2006

How Not To Commit A Bank Robbery

Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.

Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.

Things That Never Happen in Star Trek

* The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.

* Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.

* A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

* Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."

* Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

* Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.

* Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age.

* Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.

* Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.

* Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)

* The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.

Unnecessary Inventions

* Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?

* Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

* Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

* Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.

* Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

* Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

* The Epilady:
Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

* Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.

* Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.

* Thong underwear:
Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

* Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.