Bizarre T-Shirt Sayings

* (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

* My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

* I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

* (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

* Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount

* Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

* I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

* I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

* Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

* IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

* Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

* If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

Business Quotes

Accomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your regular duties.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. (Robert Frost)

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. (Sir Barnett Cocks)

Doing nothing is tiring because you can't stop to rest.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. (Dr. Lawrence J. Peter - The Peter Principle)

The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to recognize his boss' voice on the phone. (Martin Buxbaum)

Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

The Golden Rule of Bureaucracy: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research.

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided. (Casey Stengal)

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

A memorandum is not written to inform the reader but to protect the writer. (Dean Acheson)

Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time!

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.

Wacky 911 calls

* A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.

* A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Seitzerland."

* A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You ain't nothing but a hound dog.'"

* Another person called to report he had the hiccups.

* A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.

* A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.

* A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.

* Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and was in a tree outside.

* A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.

* A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.

* A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person answering told him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.

* Another winner called to ask when the Cinco de Mayo celebration was. (Cinco de Mayo means the 5th of May)

* A female complainant called to request a police officer come to her residence to change the battery in her smoke detector. She couldn't reach it.

* A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.

* A woman called to report that someone had trespassed on her property. When asked how she knew this, she reported that the person had trimmed her rose bushes, and she knew it was her next-door neighbor.

* A person called to find out the number to the police station.

Lessons Learnt in Corporate Life

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

7. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

8. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

9. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

10. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

11. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

12. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

13. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

14. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

And Finally, Some Good Business Advice You'll Never Receive:

15. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

16. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

17. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

18. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

19. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

Puns on Law

11) Lawyers wear law suits.

10) Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice.

9) A lawyer using a facsimile machine must be sure to get his fax straight.

8) A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.

7) Does a lawyer representing an angry cow find just cause for sour milk in a dairy case?

6) A detective likes to have a brief case.

5) The detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blackmail.

4) There are many judges who would like to acquit smoking.

3) Old judges never die, they just slur their sentences.

2) A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.

1) If there's one person you don't want to interrupt in the middle of a sentence, it's a judge.

Thoughts For Today

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"