Monday, June 16, 2008

You Might Be a Physics Student If

  • you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
  • you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
  • you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
  • you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
  • you always do homework on Friday nights.
  • you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
  • you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
  • you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
  • you have a pet named after a scientist.
  • you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
  • you can translate English into binary.
  • you can't remember what's behind the science-building door that says "Exit."
  • you have to bring a jacket with you in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
  • you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
  • when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.
  • you assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
  • you understood more than five of these indicators.
  • you made a hard copy of this list and posted it on your door.

Signs You Are Getting Old

  • You got cable for the Weather Channel
  • If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
  • When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and you can't get it back around.
  • Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
  • Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
  • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Resume Blunders

(From actual resumes as reported by Fortune magazine)
  • "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
  • "I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms"
  • "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
  • "Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."
  • "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
  • "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
  • "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
  • "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
  • "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
  • "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
  • "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
  • "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
  • "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
  • "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
  • "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
  • "Marital status: often. Children: various."
  • "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
  • "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
  • "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."