tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-130436602024-03-07T19:23:56.109+05:30Timepass MoongfaliA collection of humourous and timepass stuff.Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.comBlogger368125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-1864828738297611422009-09-05T09:26:00.001+05:302009-09-05T09:28:38.327+05:30Quotes from the Political Sector<div style="text-align: justify;"> * "I resent your insinuendoes."<br /><br />* "No man is an Ireland."<br /><br />* "If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."<br /><br />* "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."<br /><br />* "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."<br /><br />* "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."<br /><br />* "Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation."-- Marion Berry<br /><br />* "Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."<br /><br />* "To be demeanored like that is an exercise in fertility."<br /><br />* "I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."<br /><br />* "If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."<br /><br />* "When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."<br /><br />* "Let's do this in one foul swoop."<br /><br />* "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."<br /><br />* "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."<br /><br />* "The average age of a 7-year-old in this state is 13."<br /><br />* "We have a permanent plan for the time being."<br /><br />* "Family planning has many misconceptions."<br /><br />* "The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."<br /><br />* "My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."<br /><br />* "As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."<br /><br />* "These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."<br /><br />* "People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-5631764371193961912008-08-29T05:49:00.002+05:302008-08-29T05:51:28.508+05:30REAL Warnings<div style="text-align: justify;">* On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror: "Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."<br />* On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens: "Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."<br />* On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel: "Warning - Remove lock before driving."<br />* In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife: "Keep out of children."<br />* On a packet of juggling balls: "This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."<br />* On a packet of Nytol sleeping tablets: "Warning: may cause drowsiness."<br />* On a packet of peanuts served on an internal flight in China (written in both English and Chinese): "Open packet and eat contents."<br />* On 500g packets of Sainsbury's peanuts: "Contains nuts."<br />* Seen on a camera: "This camera only works when there is film inside."<br />* On a bottle of flavored milk drink: "After opening, keep upright."<br />* On a Rowenta iron: "Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!"<br />* On a can of windscreen de-icing spray: "Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."<br />* On a can of insect spray: "Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: This spray is harmful to bees."<br />* A different brand of insect spray: "Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals."<br />* On a Halloween Batman costume: "This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-71604519204367119962008-08-01T07:51:00.001+05:302008-08-01T07:52:31.902+05:30Computer Humor<div style="text-align: justify;"><ul><li>What does a baby computer call his father? Data.</li><li>What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.</li><li>Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.</li><li>What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.</li><li>My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.</li><li>>>>>>-------- The information went data way --------></li><li>BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding</li><li>C:> Bad, bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!</li><li>Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)</li><li>C:> File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)</li><li>Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny</li><li>Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.</li><li>Who's General Failure, & why's he reading my disk?</li><li>Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.</li><li>THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down.</li><li>To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.</li></ul></div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-66166619596837650802008-06-16T07:30:00.001+05:302008-06-16T07:33:39.828+05:30You Might Be a Physics Student If<ul><li>you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.</li><li>you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.</li><li>you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."</li><li>you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.</li><li>you always do homework on Friday nights.</li><li>you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.</li><li>you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.</li><li>you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.</li><li>you have a pet named after a scientist.</li><li>you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.</li><li>you can translate English into binary.</li><li>you can't remember what's behind the science-building door that says "Exit."</li><li>you have to bring a jacket with you in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.</li><li>you consider ANY non-science course "easy."</li><li>when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.</li><li>you assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.</li><li>you understood more than five of these indicators.</li><li>you made a hard copy of this list and posted it on your door.</li></ul>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-5600912382455265072008-06-16T07:28:00.001+05:302008-06-16T07:30:01.465+05:30Signs You Are Getting Old<ul><li>You got cable for the Weather Channel</li><li>If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.</li><li>When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and you can't get it back around.</li><li>Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.</li><li>Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.</li><li>You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.</li><li>You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.</li><li>You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.</li><li>Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.</li><li>Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.</li></ul>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-60316354687308796362008-06-16T07:25:00.000+05:302008-06-16T07:27:49.763+05:30Resume Blunders<div style="text-align: justify;">(From actual resumes as reported by Fortune magazine)<ul><li>"I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."</li><li>"I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms"</li><li>"Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."</li><li>"Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."</li><li>"Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."</li><li>"Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."</li><li>"It's best for employers that I not work with people."</li><li>"Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."</li><li>"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."</li><li>"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."</li><li>"I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."</li><li>"I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."</li><li>"As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."</li><li>"Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."</li><li>"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."</li><li>"Marital status: often. Children: various."</li><li>"Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions."</li><li>"Finished eighth in my class of ten."</li><li>"References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."</li></ul></div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-74628272443786139592008-02-24T10:29:00.001+05:302008-02-24T10:31:12.165+05:30Lost in the Translation<ul><li>In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."</li><li>In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."</li><li>Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."</li><li>In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."</li><li>On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."</li><li>In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."</li><li>In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."</li><li>In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."</li><li>Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."</li><li>Sign in a hotel corridor in Istanbul: "Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises."</li><li>In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."</li><li>At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."</li><li>Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."</li><li>On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."</li><li>In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin."</li><li>In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take on of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages."</li><li>In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."</li></ul>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-28077309700793890582008-02-24T10:24:00.001+05:302008-02-24T10:28:16.318+05:30English Subtitles in Hong Kong Films1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.<br />2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.<br />3. Gun wounds again?<br />4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.<br />5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.<br />6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!<br />7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.<br />8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?<br />9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.<br />10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.<br />11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!<br />12. You daring lousy guy.<br />13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!<br />14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.<br />15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!<br />16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.<br />17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?<br />18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?<br />19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.<br />20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.<br />21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feet on some ass of the giant lizard person.Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-83318532989588812332008-02-24T10:20:00.002+05:302008-02-24T10:23:59.719+05:30Things We Take 50 Years To Learn1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.<br />2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe<br />daylight-saving time.<br />3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.<br />4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.<br />5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic<br />status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.<br />6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about<br />your birthday. That time is: age 11.<br />7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."<br />8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours<br />with them.<br />9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."<br />10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.<br />11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides<br />to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.<br />12. You should not confuse your career with your life.<br />13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.<br />14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.<br />15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.<br />16. Your true friends love you, anyway.<br />17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-83101403740171970052008-02-24T10:18:00.001+05:302008-02-24T10:20:22.185+05:30Computer Proverbs* Home is where you hang your @.<br />* The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.<br />* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.<br />* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.<br />* C: is the root of all directories.<br />* Don't put all your hypes in one home page.<br />* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.<br />* The modem is the message.<br />* Too many clicks spoil the browse.<br />* The geek shall inherit the earth.<br />* A chat has nine lives.<br />* Don't byte off more than you can view.<br />* Fax is stranger than fiction.<br />* What boots up must come down.<br />* Windows will never cease.<br />* Virtual reality is its own reward.<br />* Modulation in all things.<br />* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.<br />* Know what to expect before you connect.<br />* Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.<br />* Speed thrills.<br />* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-9360478810475931942007-06-22T10:47:00.000+05:302007-06-22T10:48:48.918+05:30Bizarre T-Shirt Sayings<div style="text-align: justify;">* (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won<br /><br />* My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips<br /><br />* I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do<br /><br />* (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah<br /><br />* Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount<br /><br />* Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog<br /><br />* I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now<br /><br />* I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian<br /><br />* Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money<br /><br />* IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be<br /><br />* Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.<br /><br />* If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-39128813790965608912007-06-22T10:44:00.000+05:302007-06-22T10:46:50.237+05:30Business QuotesAccomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your regular duties.<br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><br />Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.<br /><br />Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.<br /><br />Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.<br /><br />By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. (Robert Frost)<br /><br />A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.<br /><br />A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. (Sir Barnett Cocks)<br /><br />Doing nothing is tiring because you can't stop to rest.<br /><br />Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.<br /><br />Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. (Dr. Lawrence J. Peter - The Peter Principle)<br /><br />The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to recognize his boss' voice on the phone. (Martin Buxbaum)<br /><br />Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.<br /><br />The Golden Rule of Bureaucracy: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.<br /><br />Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!<br /><br />I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.<br /><br />I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.<br /><br />If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research.<br /><br />If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?<br /><br />The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided. (Casey Stengal)<br /><br />The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.<br /><br />A memorandum is not written to inform the reader but to protect the writer. (Dean Acheson)<br /><br />Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time!<br /><br />Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.<br /><br />Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-74255628284195072622007-06-22T10:42:00.000+05:302007-06-22T10:44:36.139+05:30Wacky 911 calls<div style="text-align: justify;">* A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.<br /><br />* A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Seitzerland."<br /><br />* A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You ain't nothing but a hound dog.'"<br /><br />* Another person called to report he had the hiccups.<br /><br />* A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.<br /><br />* A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.<br /><br />* A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.<br /><br />* Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and was in a tree outside.<br /><br />* A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.<br /><br />* A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.<br /><br />* A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person answering told him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.<br /><br />* Another winner called to ask when the Cinco de Mayo celebration was. (Cinco de Mayo means the 5th of May)<br /><br />* A female complainant called to request a police officer come to her residence to change the battery in her smoke detector. She couldn't reach it.<br /><br />* A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.<br /><br />* A woman called to report that someone had trespassed on her property. When asked how she knew this, she reported that the person had trimmed her rose bushes, and she knew it was her next-door neighbor.<br /><br />* A person called to find out the number to the police station.</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-29601490838261708462007-06-02T11:15:00.000+05:302007-06-02T11:17:29.340+05:30Lessons Learnt in Corporate Life<div style="text-align: justify;">1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.<br /><br />2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.<br /><br />3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.<br /><br />4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.<br /><br />5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.<br /><br />6. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.<br /><br />7. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.<br /><br />8. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.<br /><br />9. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.<br /><br />10. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.<br /><br />11. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.<br /><br />12. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.<br /><br />13. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.<br /><br />14. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.<br /><br />And Finally, Some Good Business Advice You'll Never Receive:<br /><br />15. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.<br /><br />16. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.<br /><br />17. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.<br /><br />18. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.<br /><br />19. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-22735394245770528992007-06-02T11:14:00.000+05:302007-06-02T11:15:49.837+05:30Puns on Law<div style="text-align: justify;">11) Lawyers wear law suits.<br /><br />10) Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice.<br /><br />9) A lawyer using a facsimile machine must be sure to get his fax straight.<br /><br />8) A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.<br /><br />7) Does a lawyer representing an angry cow find just cause for sour milk in a dairy case?<br /><br />6) A detective likes to have a brief case.<br /><br />5) The detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blackmail.<br /><br />4) There are many judges who would like to acquit smoking.<br /><br />3) Old judges never die, they just slur their sentences.<br /><br />2) A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.<br /><br />1) If there's one person you don't want to interrupt in the middle of a sentence, it's a judge.</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-15258693200553109612007-06-02T11:09:00.000+05:302007-06-02T11:12:11.199+05:30Thoughts For Today<div style="text-align: justify;">1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.<br /><br />2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.<br /><br />3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.<br /><br />4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.<br /><br />5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.<br /><br />6. A penny saved is a government oversight.<br /><br />7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.<br /><br />8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.<br /><br />9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.<br /><br />10. He who hesitates is probably right.<br /><br />11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.<br /><br />12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.<br /><br />13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.<br /><br />14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-39208077808483442342007-04-15T09:05:00.001+05:302007-04-15T09:07:29.294+05:30Real Product Warning Labels<div style="text-align: justify;">On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).<br /><br />On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?<br /><br />On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.......)<br /><br />On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).<br /><br />On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!<br /><br />On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)<br /><br />On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?<br /><br />On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)<br /><br />On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness.." (and...I'm taking this because???....)<br /><br />On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to.....what)?<br /><br />On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)<br /><br />On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)<br /><br />On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)<br /><br />On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)<br /><br />On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-11807238973240145922007-04-15T09:02:00.000+05:302007-04-15T09:04:41.497+05:30What is the definition of...<div style="text-align: justify;">Amnesia?...What did you just ask me?<br /><br />Apathy?...I don't care.<br /><br />Bigotry?...I'm not going to tell someone like you.<br /><br />Egotistical?...I'm the best person to answer that question.<br /><br />Evasive?...Go do your homework.<br /><br />Flatulent?...That question really stinks!<br /><br />Ignorance?...I don't know.<br /><br />Indifference?...It doesn't matter.<br /><br />Influenza?...You've got to be sick to ask me that question.<br /><br />Insomnia?...I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.<br /><br />Irreverent?...I swear to God, you ask too many questions!<br /><br />Narcissism?...Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?<br /><br />Over-Protective?...I don't know if you're ready for the answer.<br /><br />Paranoid?...You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?<br /><br />Procrastination?...I'll tell you tomorrow.<br /><br />Repetitive?...I already told you the answer once before.<br /><br />Self-Centered?...Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.<br /><br />Suspicious?...Why are you asking me all these questions?</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-89004257781176487002007-03-14T22:38:00.000+05:302007-03-14T22:39:58.531+05:30Real Signs In Shop Windows<div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Signs In a clothing store:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">In the window of an Oregon general store:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">In a Pennsylvania cemetery:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">On a Tennessee highway:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">On a Maine shop:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">On a delicatessen wall:</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">"Our best is none too good."</span></div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-87661540416785896532007-03-14T22:34:00.000+05:302007-03-14T22:38:03.320+05:30You Might Be A Physics Major<ul><li>if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.</li><li>if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.</li><li>if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."</li><li>if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.</li><li>if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."</li><li>if you think in "math."</li><li>if you have a pet named after a scientist.</li><li>if you can translate English into Binary.</li><li>if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.</li></ul>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-5593833952127786102007-03-03T22:03:00.000+05:302007-03-03T22:07:49.030+05:30If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."<br />9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about<br />in that time management course you sent me to."<br />8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"<br />7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."<br />6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."<br />5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"<br />4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."<br />3. "The coffee machine is broken..."<br />2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."<br />1. " ...... AMEN!"Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-3555790793896828282007-02-26T20:03:00.000+05:302007-02-26T20:06:48.707+05:30If AOL Were A City<div style="text-align: justify;">1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.<br />2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.<br />3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps<br />offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.<br />4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic<br />knocks you back into your yard.<br />5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.<br />6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.<br />7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."<br />8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."<br />9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.<br />10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.<br />11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.<br />12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-21512158050004080342007-02-26T19:52:00.000+05:302007-02-26T19:53:57.103+05:30You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...<div style="text-align: justify;">1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.<br />2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.<br />3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.<br />4. Your birthday cake collapses from weight of the candles.<br />5 When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.<br />6. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.<br />7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.<br />8. Your income tax refund check bounces.<br />9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.<br />10. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.<br />11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.<br />12. You put both contacts into the same eye.<br />13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.<br />14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.<br />15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.<br />16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.<br />17. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.<br />18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.<br />19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.<br />20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-55908228683068488012007-02-26T19:49:00.000+05:302007-02-26T19:51:05.374+05:30Useless Inventions1. Non stick Cellotape<br />2. Solar Powered Flash Light<br />3. A black highlighter pen<br />4. Glow in the dark sunglasses<br />5. Inflatable Anchor<br />6. Smooth Sandpaper<br />7. Waterproof sponge<br />8. Waterproof Teabags<br />9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators<br />10. Fireproof Matches<br />11. Fireproof Cigarettes<br />12. Battery powered Battery Charger<br />13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes<br />14. Hand powered Chainsaw<br />15. Inflatable Dartboard<br />16. Silent Alarm Clock<br />17. A Pedal powered wheelchair<br />18. Braille Drivers Manual<br />19. Double sided playing cards<br />20. Ejector seats for HelicoptersAmbuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13043660.post-61545919791455568342007-02-26T19:46:00.000+05:302007-02-26T19:49:23.204+05:30You might be a caffeine addict if...<div style="text-align: justify;">1. You think sleep is for the weak.<br />2. The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.<br />3. You believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.<br />4. You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.<br />5. It's 6:09 AM and you're on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee.<br />6. You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.<br />7. Your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.<br />8. Your heart rate is always in triple digits.<br />9. Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of.<br />10. You wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.<br />11. You can name the five flavors of JOLT.<br />12. You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.<br />13. You have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.<br />14. Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.<br />15. You've given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can't make it 40 days without caffeine.<br />16. You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.<br />17. Your heart only beats twice an hour and your eyes won't shut anymore.<br />18. Your slogan is "Save water, drink coffee."<br />19. You have on more than one occasion snorted instant coffee.<br />20. You suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee.</div>Ambuj Saxenahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14310488321227129414noreply@blogger.com0