New Plans of Indian Railways under Lalu

The new Indian railway will ....

1. Re-introduce steam locos - to boost coal industry in bihar.

2. Dismantle the reservation system, all seats will be open to janata, no more reservations by upper cast and rich people.

3. A/C coaches will be abolished, A/Cs will be auctioned in chhapra.

4. Shatabdi expresses to be renamed as rabri devi express.

5. 10 new trains to be introduced from different parts of bihar to patna.

6. All double lines to be reduced to single track to cut costs - the rails, sleepers etc to be auctioned in muzaffarpore.

7. Samjhota express will run from patna to peshwar, however it will be converted to a goods train to carry fodder.

8. New maha bhoj - litti and sattu - to be served in all luxury trains - palace on wheels, deccan odyssey etc.

9. Re-zoning of railways: north bihar, south bihar, north eastern bihar, central bihar, east bihar, south bihar, rest of India - these will be new zones.

10. Next of kin of all people who die in train accidents will be given a job in railways, no more rail board exam or wastage of public money.

11. Any driver who dies in a train accident will not be allowed to drive any more for public safety.

12. Every village in India will have a railway station by 2007 - construction to start soon.

13. Free tickets for farmers.

14. De-electrification of major lines to save power. Local trains in Mumbai Kolkata Chennai and delhi to run on steam too.

15. Special "Gaai-bhains" express for transporting domestic animals, who have been neglected by the fundamentalist govt.

16. There will be no ticket checkers in train, that shows the new govt trusts the people.


Thank you

Lalloo Par sad Yadav

Things To Ponder

1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

3. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

4. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

5. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

6. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
(I've tried it, it doesn't work)

7. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

8. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

9. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

10. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

11. Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

12. Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

The Perfect Worker

1 Rohit , my assistant programmer, can always be found

2 hard at work in his cubicle. Rohit works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Rohit never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Rohit is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Rohit can be
10 classed as a high caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Rohit be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.



Addendum:
That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the above report. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Male Female Difference

In recent years, many women find themselves stereotyped when they tried to achieve leadership roles in a male-dominated world.

MALE leader FEMALE leader
dynamic aggressive
firm inflexible
good at details nit-picker
apt to lose his temper petty,malicious
go-getter pushy
confident stuck up, conceited
visionary afflicted with delusions
courageous stubborn
unafraid to speak his mouth big mouth
only human emotional
authoritative power mad
close-mouthed secretive
decisive impulsive
stern taskamster hard to work for
experienced over the hill

Learn Chinese in Five Minutes

Unbelievable ... it really works! Say the following sayings out loud. Make sure you try to use your best Chinese accent when translating the English to Chinese. First the English Phrase and then the Chinese Interpretation.

He's cleaning his automobile.

Wa Shing Ka.

This is a tow away zone.

No Pah King.

Is there a fugitive here?

Hu Yu Hai Ding?

Small Horse.

Tai Ni Po Ni.

Your price is too high!

No Bai Nut Ding!

Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?

It's very dark in here.

Wai So Dim?

I bumped into a coffee table.

Ai Bang Mai Ni.

I thought you were on a diet?

Wai Yu Mun Ching?

Your body odor is offensive.

Yu Stin Ki Pu.

They have arrived.

Hia Dei Kum.

You know lyrics to the Macarena?

Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?

I got this for free.

Ai No Pei.

Stay out of sight.

Lei Lo.

You have a good sense of humor!

Ah Tink Yu Fa Ni!

Laws Of Nature

Finagles' Laws

First Law -- If anything can go wrong with the experiment, it will.

Second Law -- No matter what result is anticipated, there is always someone who is willing to fake it.

Third Law -- No matter what occurs, there is always someone who believes it happened according to his pet theory.

Finagles' Creed -- Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.


Other Axioms

Patrick's Theorems: If the experiment works you must be using the wrong equipment.

Skinner's Constant: That quantity which, when added to, subtracted from, divided by, or multiplied into the answer you got, gives the correct answer.

Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.

Gumberson's Law: The probability of a given event occuring is inversely proportional to its desirability.

Compensation Corollary: An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half of the data must be discarded to obtain agreement with your theory.

Carlson's Consolation: No experiment is a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.

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WEIRD AMERICAN LAWS

Alabama
It is illegal to play Dominos on Sunday. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.

Connecticut
In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog. It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h., even when going to a fire.

Georgia
In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road.

Idaho

In Pocatello, "It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation."

Illinois
In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera. According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American."


Massachusetts
It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license. In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.

Minnesota
Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus. Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard. It's illegal to tease skunks.

New Jersey
It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street.

Tennessee
In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."

Virginia
In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee. There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates." In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.

Washington
Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.

A Brick Layer's Accident Report

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the finge rs of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. This explains the three fractures in legs.

A Brick Layer's Accident Report

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the finge rs of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. This explains the three fractures in legs.

How to Build a Thermonuclear Bomb

(From your Physics Guide)

Making a nuclear bomb is not as hard as it might sound. In fact, if you can get the right equipment, you'll just need the assistance of a good metalshop technician!

Difficulty Level: Hard

Time Required: Months-Years



Here's How:
Obtain about 50 kilograms of enriched uranium. (U-235 needed. If you've been sold U-238, return it for a refund.)
Work half of the uranium into a donut shape.
Work the other half of the uranium into a plug that will fit the hole of the donut.
Set the two parts up so that an explosive charge will force the plug to move toward the hole, thereby increasing the total amount of uranium to above the citical mass.
Set up your explosive charge of choice fitted with your detonation device of choice - barometers were used to set off the bombs in World War II.
Ensure you are on another planet and set off charges. The combined uranium above critical mass will set off the chain reaction causing immense release of heat, light, sound and radiation.
There is no step seven - you have just nuked something.
Ok, so you really want to do more damage - then try building a plutonium bomb. This is trickier but only requires 16 kilograms of plutonium.
Build the 32-part implosion chamber as described in attached links.
Ensure all your charges are synchronised.
Detonate at your convenience.


Tips:

Do not try this at home.
Do not try this at work.
Do not try this at all.
This information is purely for the purposes of explaining how nuclear detonations have been constructed in the past and does not condone the use of nuclear weaponry.

Interesting True Tombstones

* Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903-Died 1942. Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

* In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist - All dressed up And no place to go.

* On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. The Good Die Young.

* In a London, England cemetery: Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767.

* In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace: The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna. Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.

* In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast.. Pardon me For not rising.

* In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery: Here lies the bodyof Jonathan Blake. Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.

* In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays The Kid. We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger But slow on the draw.

* A lawyer's epitaph in England: Sir John Strange. Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.

* John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.

* In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

* Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont: Here lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana. It wasn't the fruit that laid her low, But the skin of the thing that made her go.

* On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

* To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone: To follow you I'll not consent Until I know which way you went.