Signs You Are Getting Old

• You got cable for the Weather Channel
• If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
• When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and you can't get it back around.
• Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
• Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
• Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

You Might Be A Physics Major

• if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
• if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
• if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
• if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
• if you think in "math."
• if you have a pet named after a scientist.
• if you can translate English into Binary.
• if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

You might be a caffeine addict if...

1. You think sleep is for the weak.
2. The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
3. You believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.
4. You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
5. It's 6:09 AM and you're on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee.
6. You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
7. Your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.
8. Your heart rate is always in triple digits.
9. Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of.
10. You wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.
11. You can name the five flavors of JOLT.
12. You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
13. You have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.
14. Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
15. You've given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can't make it 40 days without caffeine.
16. You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.
17. Your heart only beats twice an hour and your eyes won't shut anymore.
18. Your slogan is "Save water, drink coffee."
19. You have on more than one occasion snorted instant coffee.
20. You suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee.

Doesn't It Annoy You When

1. There's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
2. You buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
3. There's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
4. You're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
5. You tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
6. Someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
7. A friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
8. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
9. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
10. A waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
11. Your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
12. The dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
13. The power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
14. Someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check.
15. The elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
16. You almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Guide to Buying Gifts For Men

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8 inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV and watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #7:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RVCenter, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what itis. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #8:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man astep ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Clamps. Men can never have enough quick grip clamps. No one knows why.

Rule #10:
Buy your man Duct Tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool. All men know, if you can't fix it, duct it.

You Might Be a Bad Cook If...

•You look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.
•The smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.
•Your family buys Pepto and Tums in bulk.
•The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.
•You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
•Your food melts plastic and silverware.
•The dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
•All your baked goods have the names "asphalt" or "Hockey puck."
•There are bones in your toast.
•All you cook seems to be left overs.
•The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
•Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear the fire alarm.
•The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
•Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
•There's no such thing as an unusable leftover.
•You really have messed up a salad.
•The family pets are no where to be found during dinner
•Around dinnertime, the family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.

Vocabulary Lesson for New Parents

BOTTLE FEEDING An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

DEFENSE What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

DROOLING How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT! What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OW The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

THUNDERSTORM A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

WHODUNIT None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

Laws of Cat Physics

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the midsection of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him or her.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state when a cat is present.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.