In-Flight Humor

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft." "So... if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker, shake his hand, and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines."

"Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!"

"From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more
than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

25 Useless Facts

1. Saturday mail delivery in Canada was eliminated by Canada Post on February 1, 1969!
2. Should there be a crash, Prince Charles and Prince William, never travel on the same airplane as a precaution!
3. The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card!
4. Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500!
5. The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad!
6. The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye and Poopeye!
7. When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second!
8. A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood!
9. Almost half the newspapers in the world are published in the United States and Canada!
10. During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants!
11. Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
12. The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old!
13. About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30!
14. In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons!
15. Dogs and cats consume over $11 billion worth of pet food a year!
16. In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter."!
17. A fetus develops fingerprints at eighteen weeks!
18. There are approximately fifty Bibles sold each minute across the world!
19. An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards!
20. A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day!
21. Honolulu is the only place in the United States that has a royal palace!
22. Rice paper does not have any rice in it!
23. In Corpus Christie, Texas, it is illegal to raise alligators in your home.
24. Owls are one of the only birds who can see the color blue!
25. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off!
    

Generation--X

Twelve of the Most Terrifying Things to Hear

1. The dentist says: "This won't hurt a bit."

2. The IRS announces: "We are simplifying the tax forms."

3. Your lawyer says: "This is an air-tight case-- you can't lose."

4. Your stock broker says: "This little drop in the market is just a minor correction."

5. Your physician says: "You're in great shape--you'll live to be 100!"

6. Your business partner says: "Nothing can possibly go wrong."

7. Your best friend says: "Trust me--I'll never tell a soul."

8. The directions on a do-it-yourself kit say:"Even a child can do it."

9. Your colleagues say: "We're behind you 100%--we'll back you up."

10. Someone giving you directions says:"You can't miss it."

11. The airline pilot announces: "Just a bit of turbulence folks-- nothing to worry about."

12. A voice on the telephone says: "Congratulations! You're an instant winner!"

Some Concepts About Your Boss

1. Boss is always right.

2. Boss is never late in the office, perhaps his presence is required somewhere else.

3. Boss never sleeps in the office, he is resting.

4. Boss never flirts with his secretary, he is educating her.

5. Boss never apple-polishes his boss, he is updating him.

6. Boss never submits false vouchers, he is saving the tax by providing entries in the expense account.

7. Boss never reads newspapers in the office, he is keeping himself updated.

8. Boss never fires his subordinates he is trying to improve their performance.

9. Boss never drinks he quenches his thirst.

10. Those who don't agree with any of the above statements please refer to point no. 1.


By Order

Boss.

(Note: This is my 200th post on this blog. Hope to see the tempo going.)

I was thinking...

* I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

* You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

* I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

* I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

* I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

* I was thinking, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

* Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Famous Last Words

* I'll get a world record for this..
* It's fireproof.
* He's probably just hibernating.
* What does this button do?
* It's probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I've seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* It's strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn't taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I've done this before.
* Well, we've made it this far.
* That's odd.
* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don't be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.

Office Dictionary

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE": You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION": I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE": I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES": I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK": I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE": I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL": I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE": I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO": I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED": The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY": We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

Songs From The Hospital "Hit Parade"

* I'll be Sewing You.

* Red Cells in the Sunset.

* It's Spleen a Long, Long Time.

* It Had to Be Flu.

* On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma.

* Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney.

* The Staphs and Streps Forever.

* Old Man's Liver.

* I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace.

* The Girl From Emphysema.

* MRI Blue?

* My Melancolicky Baby.

* From Here to Maternity.

Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar

1. Don't abbrev.

2. Check to see if you any words out.

3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.

4. About sentence fragments.

5. When dangling, don't use participles.

6. Don't use no double negatives.

7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.

8. Just between You and i, case is important.

9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.

10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.

11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.

12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.

13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.

14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.

15. a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period

16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.

17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.

18. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.

19. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

20. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.

21. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.

22. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.

24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.

25. Avoid cliches like the plague