Cowboy Wisdom

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' t'backer.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Funny Windows Messages for 2006

1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

3.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

4.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

5.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

6.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

7.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."

8.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"

9.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

10.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

11.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

12.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

13.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

14.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

15.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

16.User Error: Replace user.

17.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

18.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

You Might Be An Engineer If...

.. Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.

.. You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.

.. In college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

.. The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.

.. At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.

.. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

.. You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

.. You see a good design and still have to change it.

.. You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

.. You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.

.. You window shop at Radio Shack.

.. Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

.. Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

.. You've tried to repair a $5 radio.

Really, Really Bad Traffic

* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.

* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.

* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.

* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.

* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.

* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off...even then, you're cutting it close.

* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.

* You don't even have to brush your teeth anymore. Just get in rush hour traffic, smile, and let someone else's windshield wipers do all the work.

* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.

* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.

* Remember the good old days when traffic used to be bumper to bumper? Now it's windshield wiper to windshield wiper.

Notes For The Milkman

* "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

* "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."

* "Cancel one pint after the day after today."

* "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it."

* "Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

* "Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today."

* "Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole."

* "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

* "Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."

* "When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress.

* "Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."

* "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."

* "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."

* "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

* "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

* "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight."

* "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday."

* "When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.

* "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."

27 Worst Family Feud Answers Ever

Question: Name a former President that most people would say is honest.
#1 Answer: Lincoln
Worst Answers: Nixon

Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins with the word San.
#1 Answer: San Diego
Worst Answer: Seattle

Question: Name a slang term used for important people.
#1 Answer: V.I.P.
Worst Answer: Buddy

Question: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing out.
#1 Answer: Photos
Worst Answer: Corn

Question: Name something that might annoy a gardener.
#1 Answer: Bugs
Worst Answer: Not getting paid on time

Question: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.
#1 Answer: Anniversary
Worst Answer: Happy divorce

Question: Name a term used in football.
#1 Answer: Touchdown
Worst Answer: Fastbreak

Question: Name a special request people ask for when making a dinner reservation.
#1 Answer: Non-smoking
Worst Answer: A menu

Question: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call from.
#1 Answer: The police
Worst Answer: Your son

Question: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.
#1 Answer: Mozart
Worst Answer: Julio Inglesias

Question: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot of when you're sick.
#1 Answer: Water
Worst Answer: Alcohol

Question: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of your nose.
#1 Answer: Pimple
Worst Answers: Lint

Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.
#1 Answer: High heels
Worst Answer: Scuba flippers
Louie Anderson's Response: If it's up there... I'll be suprised.

Question: Name something a person wouldn't want living in their house.
#1 Answer: Relatives
Worst Answer: Mold

Question: Name a musician who goes by one name.
#1 Answer: Madonna
Worst Answer: Reba McIntyre
Louie Anderson's Response: Show me the strike.

Question: Name something you'd buy for more than a thousand dollars.
#1 Answer: House
Worst Answer: Pleasure equipment
Louie Anderson's Response: I'm afraid to ask what that means.

Question: Name something you think would be difficult about being a waiter.
#1 Answer: Taking orders
Worst Answer: Falling down

Question: Name something a woman would find in her boyfriend's apartment that would make her think he was cheating.
#1 Answer: Bra
Worst Answer: Used condom

Question: Name something a teenage boy can do for hours at a time.
#1 Answer: Video games
Worst Answer: Masturbate
Louie Anderson's Response: I knew somebody would say it.

Question: Name a unit of currency used in a country other than the US.
#1 Answer: Peso
Worst Answer: Ampere

Question: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss her boyfriend.
#1 Answer: Bad breath
Worst Answers: She doesn't love him that much

Question: Name something you do in front of your husband that you probably never did when you were dating.
#1 Answer: Undress
Worst Answer: Make out
Louie Anderson's Response: With somebody else?

Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza that was just delivered.
#1 Answer: It's cold
Worst Answers: It went to the wrong address
Louie Anderson's Response: And you just happened to be there.

Question: Name an animal many people are scared of.
#1 Answer: Snake
Worst Answer: Boar
Louie Anderson's Response: It's terrifying.

Question: Name something you need to play Scrabble.
#1 Answer: Letters
Worst Answer: Dice
Louie Anderson's Response: Where did you learn to play Scrabble?

Question: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot of hair.
#1 Answer: 30
Worst Answer: 14

Question: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.
#1 Answer: June
Worst Answer: Summer

Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me

13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.

14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.

15. Making your bed is a waste of time.

16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.

17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.

18. If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.

19. Toads aren't ugly, they're just toads.

20. Don't pop someone else's bubble.

21. You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.

22. If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you'll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.

23. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.

24. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.

25. Make your mother proud of you.

How Not To Commit A Bank Robbery

Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.

Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.

Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.

Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.

Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.

Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.

Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.

Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.

Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.

Things That Never Happen in Star Trek

* The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.

* Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.

* A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

* Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."

* Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

* Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.

* Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age.

* Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.

* Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.

* Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)

* The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.

Unnecessary Inventions

* Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?

* Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

* Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

* Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.

* Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

* Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

* The Epilady:
Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.

* Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.

* Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.

* Thong underwear:
Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.

* Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.