1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about
your birthday. That time is: age 11.
7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours
with them.
9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides
to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
12. You should not confuse your career with your life.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
16. Your true friends love you, anyway.
17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Computer Proverbs
* Home is where you hang your @.
* The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
* C: is the root of all directories.
* Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
* The modem is the message.
* Too many clicks spoil the browse.
* The geek shall inherit the earth.
* A chat has nine lives.
* Don't byte off more than you can view.
* Fax is stranger than fiction.
* What boots up must come down.
* Windows will never cease.
* Virtual reality is its own reward.
* Modulation in all things.
* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
* Know what to expect before you connect.
* Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
* Speed thrills.
* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
* The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
* C: is the root of all directories.
* Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
* The modem is the message.
* Too many clicks spoil the browse.
* The geek shall inherit the earth.
* A chat has nine lives.
* Don't byte off more than you can view.
* Fax is stranger than fiction.
* What boots up must come down.
* Windows will never cease.
* Virtual reality is its own reward.
* Modulation in all things.
* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
* Know what to expect before you connect.
* Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
* Speed thrills.
* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Bizarre T-Shirt Sayings
* (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
* My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
* I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
* (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
* Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount
* Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
* I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
* I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
* Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
* IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
* Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
* If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
* My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
* I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
* (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
* Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount
* Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog
* I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
* I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
* Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
* IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
* Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
* If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen
Business Quotes
Accomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your regular duties.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. (Robert Frost)
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. (Sir Barnett Cocks)
Doing nothing is tiring because you can't stop to rest.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. (Dr. Lawrence J. Peter - The Peter Principle)
The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to recognize his boss' voice on the phone. (Martin Buxbaum)
Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
The Golden Rule of Bureaucracy: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research.
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided. (Casey Stengal)
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
A memorandum is not written to inform the reader but to protect the writer. (Dean Acheson)
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time!
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. (Robert Frost)
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. (Sir Barnett Cocks)
Doing nothing is tiring because you can't stop to rest.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. (Dr. Lawrence J. Peter - The Peter Principle)
The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to recognize his boss' voice on the phone. (Martin Buxbaum)
Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
The Golden Rule of Bureaucracy: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!
I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research.
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided. (Casey Stengal)
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
A memorandum is not written to inform the reader but to protect the writer. (Dean Acheson)
Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time!
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.
Wacky 911 calls
* A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.
* A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Seitzerland."
* A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You ain't nothing but a hound dog.'"
* Another person called to report he had the hiccups.
* A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.
* A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.
* A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.
* Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and was in a tree outside.
* A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.
* A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.
* A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person answering told him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.
* Another winner called to ask when the Cinco de Mayo celebration was. (Cinco de Mayo means the 5th of May)
* A female complainant called to request a police officer come to her residence to change the battery in her smoke detector. She couldn't reach it.
* A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.
* A woman called to report that someone had trespassed on her property. When asked how she knew this, she reported that the person had trimmed her rose bushes, and she knew it was her next-door neighbor.
* A person called to find out the number to the police station.
* A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Seitzerland."
* A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You ain't nothing but a hound dog.'"
* Another person called to report he had the hiccups.
* A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.
* A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.
* A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.
* Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and was in a tree outside.
* A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.
* A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.
* A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person answering told him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.
* Another winner called to ask when the Cinco de Mayo celebration was. (Cinco de Mayo means the 5th of May)
* A female complainant called to request a police officer come to her residence to change the battery in her smoke detector. She couldn't reach it.
* A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.
* A woman called to report that someone had trespassed on her property. When asked how she knew this, she reported that the person had trimmed her rose bushes, and she knew it was her next-door neighbor.
* A person called to find out the number to the police station.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
Lessons Learnt in Corporate Life
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
7. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
8. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
9. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
10. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
11. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
12. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
13. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
14. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
And Finally, Some Good Business Advice You'll Never Receive:
15. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
16. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
17. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
18. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
7. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
8. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
9. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
10. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
11. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
12. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
13. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
14. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
And Finally, Some Good Business Advice You'll Never Receive:
15. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
16. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
17. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
18. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
19. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
Puns on Law
11) Lawyers wear law suits.
10) Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice.
9) A lawyer using a facsimile machine must be sure to get his fax straight.
8) A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
7) Does a lawyer representing an angry cow find just cause for sour milk in a dairy case?
6) A detective likes to have a brief case.
5) The detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blackmail.
4) There are many judges who would like to acquit smoking.
3) Old judges never die, they just slur their sentences.
2) A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.
1) If there's one person you don't want to interrupt in the middle of a sentence, it's a judge.
10) Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice.
9) A lawyer using a facsimile machine must be sure to get his fax straight.
8) A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.
7) Does a lawyer representing an angry cow find just cause for sour milk in a dairy case?
6) A detective likes to have a brief case.
5) The detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blackmail.
4) There are many judges who would like to acquit smoking.
3) Old judges never die, they just slur their sentences.
2) A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.
1) If there's one person you don't want to interrupt in the middle of a sentence, it's a judge.
Thoughts For Today
1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Real Product Warning Labels
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.......)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness.." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to.....what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.......)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness.." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to.....what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
What is the definition of...
Amnesia?...What did you just ask me?
Apathy?...I don't care.
Bigotry?...I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Egotistical?...I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive?...Go do your homework.
Flatulent?...That question really stinks!
Ignorance?...I don't know.
Indifference?...It doesn't matter.
Influenza?...You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insomnia?...I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Irreverent?...I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
Narcissism?...Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Over-Protective?...I don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Paranoid?...You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?
Procrastination?...I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive?...I already told you the answer once before.
Self-Centered?...Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Suspicious?...Why are you asking me all these questions?
Apathy?...I don't care.
Bigotry?...I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Egotistical?...I'm the best person to answer that question.
Evasive?...Go do your homework.
Flatulent?...That question really stinks!
Ignorance?...I don't know.
Indifference?...It doesn't matter.
Influenza?...You've got to be sick to ask me that question.
Insomnia?...I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.
Irreverent?...I swear to God, you ask too many questions!
Narcissism?...Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?
Over-Protective?...I don't know if you're ready for the answer.
Paranoid?...You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?
Procrastination?...I'll tell you tomorrow.
Repetitive?...I already told you the answer once before.
Self-Centered?...Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.
Suspicious?...Why are you asking me all these questions?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
