Is Hell Exothermic?

(The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.)

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

Play on Words

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Headlines from the year 2029

* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

* Baby conceived naturally - scientists stumped.

* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

* George Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

* 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

* Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

* Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

REAL Warnings

* On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror: "Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."

* On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens: "Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."

* On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel: "Warning - Remove lock before driving."

* In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife: "Keep out of children."

* On a packet of juggling balls: "This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."

* On a packet of Nytol sleeping tablets: "Warning: may cause drowsiness."

* On a packet of peanuts served on an internal flight in China (written in both English and Chinese): "Open packet and eat contents."

* On 500g packets of Sainsbury's peanuts: "Contains nuts."

* Seen on a camera: "This camera only works when there is film inside."

* On a bottle of flavored milk drink: "After opening, keep upright."

* On a Rowenta iron: "Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!"

* On a can of windscreen de-icing spray: "Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."

* On a can of insect spray: "Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: This spray is harmful to bees."

* A different brand of insect spray: "Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals."

* On a Halloween Batman costume: "This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

Training Courses Offered to Men Only

Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral

Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away

Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back

Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves

Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action / Adventure" Category

Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them.

Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.

Leave Applications

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India...

1. *Infosys, Bangalore:* An employee applied for leave as follows:
Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.

2. *This is from Oracle Bangalore:* From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. *Another gem from CDAC.* Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. *From H.A.L. Administration dept:*
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

6. An incident of a leave letter
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

8. Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

10. Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

12. Letter writing: -
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."

13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'...As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Bumper Stickers

* We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

* He who laughs last thinks slowest.

* Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog...Dorothy

* Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

* I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW..

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

* There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

You will love this one...

HER DIARY

Day night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.I asked him what was wrong – he said,"Nothing."I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say,” I love u, too."When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed.

About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match against Bangladesh.
DAMN IT.

Things Every Kindergartner Knows About Food

9. If it tastes really bad, the teacher knows a song about how great it is!

8. In a pinch, glue is an acceptable condiment.

7. Absolutely everything tastes better with chocolate syrup or ketchup on it.

6. Most blue food you find in the fridge will make the puppy sick.

5. Mom's M&M cookies are worth two sandwiches and a dead frog.

4. Dr. Pepper supplies the best on-demand burps.

3. Most foods can be used as finger paints when necessary.

2. Your dog, your cat and your one-year-old brother all look the same eating peanut butter.

.. and the #1 Thing Every Kindergartner Knows About Food ...

1. Happy Meal french fries last longer than the Happy Meal toys....but the toys taste better.

Ways to Tell If You Have PMS

* Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

* You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

* The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

* Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

* You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-###-####.

* Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

* Inanimate objects get on your nerves.

* You're counting down the days until menopause.

* You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

* The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

* You dump the pretzels out of the bag, and eat the salt. While simultaneously eating a gallon of ice cream.

* You cry at commercials one minute, and contemplate assault the next.