Twelve of the Most Terrifying Things to Hear

1. The dentist says: "This won't hurt a bit."

2. The IRS announces: "We are simplifying the tax forms."

3. Your lawyer says: "This is an air-tight case-- you can't lose."

4. Your stock broker says: "This little drop in the market is just a minor correction."

5. Your physician says: "You're in great shape--you'll live to be 100!"

6. Your business partner says: "Nothing can possibly go wrong."

7. Your best friend says: "Trust me--I'll never tell a soul."

8. The directions on a do-it-yourself kit say:"Even a child can do it."

9. Your colleagues say: "We're behind you 100%--we'll back you up."

10. Someone giving you directions says:"You can't miss it."

11. The airline pilot announces: "Just a bit of turbulence folks-- nothing to worry about."

12. A voice on the telephone says: "Congratulations! You're an instant winner!"

Some Concepts About Your Boss

1. Boss is always right.

2. Boss is never late in the office, perhaps his presence is required somewhere else.

3. Boss never sleeps in the office, he is resting.

4. Boss never flirts with his secretary, he is educating her.

5. Boss never apple-polishes his boss, he is updating him.

6. Boss never submits false vouchers, he is saving the tax by providing entries in the expense account.

7. Boss never reads newspapers in the office, he is keeping himself updated.

8. Boss never fires his subordinates he is trying to improve their performance.

9. Boss never drinks he quenches his thirst.

10. Those who don't agree with any of the above statements please refer to point no. 1.


By Order

Boss.

(Note: This is my 200th post on this blog. Hope to see the tempo going.)

I was thinking...

* I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

* You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

* I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

* I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

* I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

* I was thinking, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

* Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Famous Last Words

* I'll get a world record for this..
* It's fireproof.
* He's probably just hibernating.
* What does this button do?
* It's probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I've seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* It's strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn't taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I've done this before.
* Well, we've made it this far.
* That's odd.
* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don't be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.

Office Dictionary

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE": You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION": I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE": I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES": I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK": I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE": I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL": I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE": I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO": I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED": The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY": We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

Songs From The Hospital "Hit Parade"

* I'll be Sewing You.

* Red Cells in the Sunset.

* It's Spleen a Long, Long Time.

* It Had to Be Flu.

* On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma.

* Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney.

* The Staphs and Streps Forever.

* Old Man's Liver.

* I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace.

* The Girl From Emphysema.

* MRI Blue?

* My Melancolicky Baby.

* From Here to Maternity.

Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar

1. Don't abbrev.

2. Check to see if you any words out.

3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.

4. About sentence fragments.

5. When dangling, don't use participles.

6. Don't use no double negatives.

7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.

8. Just between You and i, case is important.

9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.

10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.

11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.

12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.

13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.

14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.

15. a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period

16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.

17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.

18. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.

19. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

20. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.

21. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.

22. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.

24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.

25. Avoid cliches like the plague

Is Hell Exothermic?

(The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.)

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

Play on Words

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Headlines from the year 2029

* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

* Baby conceived naturally - scientists stumped.

* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

* George Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

* 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

* Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

* Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.