Why aren't you married

Comebacks to the age old question - "Why aren't you married yet?"

• You haven't asked yet.
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• What? And spoil my great life?
• Because I just love hearing this question.
• It gives my mother something to live for.
• My fiance is awaiting parole.
• I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
• I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
• It didn't seem worth a blood test.
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
• I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
• What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
• I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
• Why aren't you thin?
• I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

Customer's Guide To Supermarket Shopping

1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.

2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!

3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!

4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.

5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed. Get it right. If you're not sure just say, "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.

6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.

7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt. Don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.

8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.

9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life.

10. Don't forget rule NO. 8

11. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.

12. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite, but you don't have to.

13. When the store is not busy and there is only one check stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.

14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.

Advice For Scary Situations (From Horror Movies)

* When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.

* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

* When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.

* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely rambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

* If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to 'help' them - they will eat you.

* Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body.

* Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with a "flair" (a knife,
a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts...)

* Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead.

* If you are a female, never show your breasts. Easy women die fast.

* Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.

* If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say "Tom... Tom is that you?" and Tom does not answer, run away.

* If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car the monster will be in it.

Why Dogs Can't Use Computers

#10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

#9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

#8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.

#7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

#6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.

#5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

#4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".

#3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.

#2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.

#1. He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.

Funny Sniglets

Alfred Hitchcooking - the act of stabbing the frozen peas to get them to cook faster.

an udder failure - a cow that doesn't give milk

bawlroom - a hospital nursery

Bruise Lee - an inept martial-arts student

chirpes - a canarial disease, no tweetment

cinemuck - popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters

fobia - the fear of misspelled words

genderplex - trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use

giraffiti - vandalous spray-painting really high up

lullabouy - an idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep

mallennium - a thousand years of shopping

Planned Parrothood - charitable foundation whose purpose is domestic breeding of macaws and cockatoos

sarchasm - the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it

snackmosphere - the 95% air inside bags of potato chips

Snack Trek - the peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized

weelief - the feeling one gets upon spotting a rest stop on the interstate

Actual Travel Agent Stories

From a former Washington, D.C. travel agent of over 30 years

* A New Hampshire Congresswoman called to ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

* A Candidate's Staffer called, wanting to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa." Her response? Click.

* A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"

* A Lawmaker's wife asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."

* A Bush cabinet member's aide called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we want the car so we can drive between gates to save time."

* An Illinois Congresswoman wanted to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast. She bought it!

* A New York lawmaker asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said "FAT." I'm overweight and I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold so I could "look into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back to her and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is "FAT," and that the label was only a destination tag.

* A Senator's aide inquired about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

* A freshman Congressman called from the airport to ask, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly did he mean. He replied, "You told me my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

* A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked her if she meant "fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane"? She said, "Yeah, whatever!"

* A senior Senator had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had one." I double-checked and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times. Every time they've accepted my American Express!"

* A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" she replied. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent pulled out a map of New York state and finally asked, "You don't mean 'Buffalo,' do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

* I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted, "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"

New Office Work Rules

1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.

3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.

4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order, for instance, those with last names beginning with "A" will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes around again.

6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.

8. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9.

Random Humor

Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.

Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

A good pun is its own reword.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

To err is human, to moo bovine.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Did You Ever Wonder

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam".

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A pool table.

What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

Lost in the Translation

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."

In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."

Sign in a hotel corridor in Istanbul: "Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises."

In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."

In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin."

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take on of our horsedriven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages."

In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."