Suggested Comebacks

Suggested comebacks to unsolicited, persistent telephone sales callers

* "I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later tonight."

* In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?"

* "Shhh. Wait a minute. I'm here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?"

* When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: "Yes, but I never allow him/her to talk to strangers."

* When someone asks how you are: "Well, I'm having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain . . ."

* "You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!"

* Another response to rug-cleaners or any person offering home services: (Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!"

* To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a minute?" (Leave the phone off the hook until he/she hangs up.)

** Use your touch-tone phone to annoy the caller by playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb":
6-5-4-5
6-6-6
5-5-5
6-6-6.
6-5-4-5
6-6-6-6
5-5-6-5
4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4

The Laws of Cartoon Physics

I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.


II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.


III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.


IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.


V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.



VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.


VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but, at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.


VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.


IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.


X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword

* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

* If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

* Without geometry, life is pointless.

* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Scientific Phrases - What They Say and What They Mean

"It has long been known" - I didn't look up the original reference.

"A definite trend is evident" - These data are practically meaningless.

"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" - An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" - The other results didn't make any sense.

"Typical results are shown" - 1 This is the prettiest graph. 2 The best results are shown.

"These results will be in a subsequent report" - I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"In my experience" - Once.

"In case after case" - Twice.

"In a series of cases" - Thrice.

"It is believed that" - I think.

"It is generally believed that" - A couple of others think so, too.

"Correct within an order of magnitude" - Wrong.

"According to statistical analysis" - Rumor has it.

"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings" - A wild guess.

"A careful analysis of obtainable data" - Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.

"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs" - 1 I don't understand it. 2 I need more grant money. 3 I can get at least one more paper out of this.

"After additional study by my colleagues" - They don't understand it either.

"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" - Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

"A highly significant area for exploratory study" - A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"Handled with extreme care during the experiments" - Not dropped on the floor.

"Presumably at longer times" - I didn't take the time to find out.

"This paper will omit a review of the more recent literature in favor of" - I don't know if anything has been written on this since my dissertation.

"Various authorities agree" - I overheard this in the hall.

"It was observed that" - One of my students noticed that...

"No discussion would be complete without reference to the contributions of" - I need another footnote on this page.

"This research has left many questions unanswered." - I didn't find anything of significance.

"This finding has not yet been incorporated into general theory" - Perhaps my next graduate student will make sense of it.

"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" - I quit.

Whom To Marry?

Dont Marry AIRTEL girl ,
she will do magic on u.

Dont Marry BSNL girl ,
she has connections with all indians.

Dont Marry IDEA girl ,
she touches u tommrrow, not today.

Dont Marry RELAINCE girl ,
she takes u in her mutthi mein.

Marry only HUTCH girl ,
she follows u where ever u go.

You Know You're Getting Old When...

* Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

* You feel like it's the "morning after", but you didn't go anywhere the night before.

* You sit in a rocking chair but can't get it going.

* You bend over to tie your shoes and ask yourself, "Is there anything else I need to do while I'm down here?"

* You sit down to the breakfast table, and the snap, crackle, pop you hear isn't your breakfast cereal.

* People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

* Dialing long distance wears you out.

* Your little black book contains names ending only in "M.D."

* Your daughter takes you out to dinner, and the cashier takes one look and gives you both Senior discounts.

* You have as students the grandchildren of your former students.

* You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

* Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today."

* You're proud of your lawn mower.

* The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.

* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

* The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your glasses.

* You watch a pretty girl go by and your pacemaker makes the garage door open.

* You finally know all the answers, but no one asks you the questions!

Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsight- ly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

Marriage Invitation

You are electronically invited on the marriage occasion of
Mr. TRANSISTOR BC107,
(working as amplifier in "CE" configuration)
With
Miss. DIODE 2N2222,
(working as a rectifier in Electronic Circuits)
The only Daughter of Mr & Mrs. Aluminium and Phosphorous
MUHURTAM March 30, 2K6 @ 10-45 Amplitude Modulation

VENUE At Peizo Electric Palace, Near Wein Bridge, Nyquist criterion Road-2,
Electricity -508085.
Yours inductively
Mr&Mrs. EDC PDC,
Near P-N Junction, IC Road, Zener breakdown.

With BEST COMPLIMENTS FROM,
Inductor, Resistor, Capacitor, Transformer Near & Dear
Note: Musical Night By Motors and Generators

What Teachers Really Mean

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).

Weird Questions Asked To Librarians

* "Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?"

* "Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!

* "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

* "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

* "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

* "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

* "I need a photocopy of Abraham Lincoln's birth certificate."

* "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

* "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."