Monday, December 26, 2005
Box of Short Bread Cookies
Imagine you're in London's Heathrow Airport. While you're waiting for your flight, you notice a kiosk selling shortbread cookies. You buy a box, put them in your traveling bag and then you patiently search for an available seat so you can sit down and enjoy your cookies. Finally you find a seat next to a gentleman. You reach down into your traveling bag and pull out your box of shortbread cookies.
As you do so, you notice that the gentleman starts watching you intensely. He stares as you open the box and his eyes follow your hand as you pick up the cookie and bring it to your mouth. Just then he reaches over and takes one of your cookies from the box, and eats it!
You're more than a little surprised at this. Actually, you're at a loss for words. Not only does he take one cookie, but he alternates with you. For every one cookie you take, he takes one.
Now, what's your immediate impression of this guy? Crazy? Greedy? He's got some nerve?! Can you imagine the words you might use to describe this man to your associates back at the office? Meanwhile, you both continue eating the cookies until there's just one left. To your surprise, the man reaches over and takes it. But then he does something unexpected. He breaks it in half, and gives half to you. After he's finished with his half he gets up, and without a word, he leaves.
You think to yourself, "Did this really happen?" You're left sitting there dumbfounded and still hungry. So you go back to the kiosk and buy another box of cookies. You then return to your seat and begin opening your new box of cookies when you glance down into your traveling bag.
Sitting there in your bag is your original box of cookies -- still unopened. Only then do you realize that when you reached down earlier, you had reached into the other man's bag, and grabbed his box of cookies by mistake. Now what do you think of the man? Generous? Tolerant? You've just experienced a profound paradigm shift. You're seeing things from a new point of view.
Is it time to change your point of view?
Now, think of this story as it relates to your life . Seeing things from a new point of view can be very enlightening. Think outside the box. Don't settle for the status quo. Be open to suggestions. Things may not be what they seem.
As you do so, you notice that the gentleman starts watching you intensely. He stares as you open the box and his eyes follow your hand as you pick up the cookie and bring it to your mouth. Just then he reaches over and takes one of your cookies from the box, and eats it!
You're more than a little surprised at this. Actually, you're at a loss for words. Not only does he take one cookie, but he alternates with you. For every one cookie you take, he takes one.
Now, what's your immediate impression of this guy? Crazy? Greedy? He's got some nerve?! Can you imagine the words you might use to describe this man to your associates back at the office? Meanwhile, you both continue eating the cookies until there's just one left. To your surprise, the man reaches over and takes it. But then he does something unexpected. He breaks it in half, and gives half to you. After he's finished with his half he gets up, and without a word, he leaves.
You think to yourself, "Did this really happen?" You're left sitting there dumbfounded and still hungry. So you go back to the kiosk and buy another box of cookies. You then return to your seat and begin opening your new box of cookies when you glance down into your traveling bag.
Sitting there in your bag is your original box of cookies -- still unopened. Only then do you realize that when you reached down earlier, you had reached into the other man's bag, and grabbed his box of cookies by mistake. Now what do you think of the man? Generous? Tolerant? You've just experienced a profound paradigm shift. You're seeing things from a new point of view.
Is it time to change your point of view?
Now, think of this story as it relates to your life . Seeing things from a new point of view can be very enlightening. Think outside the box. Don't settle for the status quo. Be open to suggestions. Things may not be what they seem.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Confucious Said....
(An assortment of sayings from that great Chinese Philosopher “Confucious”.)
(NB: I wonder how he guessed the first and last one back then.....)
- Man who run in front of car get tired.
- Man who run behind car get exhausted.
- Man with one chopstick go hungry.
- Man who scratches backside should not bite fingernails.
- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
- It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
- Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
- Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
- Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
- Man who breaks wind in church sits in own pew.
- Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
(NB: I wonder how he guessed the first and last one back then.....)
Real Newspaper Ads
**3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
** Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
** Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.
** Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00.
** Illiterate? Write today for free help.
** Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
** Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
** Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
** Stock up and save. Limit: one.
** Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
** Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
** For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
** Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
** We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
** Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
** Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
** Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.
** Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00.
** Illiterate? Write today for free help.
** Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
** Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
** Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
** Stock up and save. Limit: one.
** Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
** Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
** For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
** Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
** We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
** Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Performance Evaluations
(Courtesy: Doctordialtone)
These useful quotes are from actual federal employee performance evaluations:
* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
* I would not allow this employee to breed.
* This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't-be.
* When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
* Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
* A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* He has been working with glue too much.
* If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one.
* A photographic memory but with the lens covered glued on.
* Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming.
* Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
* If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
* It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
* Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
* The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
These useful quotes are from actual federal employee performance evaluations:
* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
* I would not allow this employee to breed.
* This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't-be.
* When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
* Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
* A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
* He has been working with glue too much.
* If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one.
* A photographic memory but with the lens covered glued on.
* Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
* Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming.
* Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
* If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
* It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
* Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
* The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Monday, December 19, 2005
Warning Message
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called “beer” is used by many females to targe unsuspecting men.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs”. “Beer” is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer” and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several “beers” men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking “beer” men often awaken with only hazy memories ofexactly what happened to them the night before,often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.”
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after “beer” is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Rugby clubs” in the yellow pages.
The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs”. “Beer” is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer” and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several “beers” men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking “beer” men often awaken with only hazy memories ofexactly what happened to them the night before,often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.”
Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after “beer” is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Rugby clubs” in the yellow pages.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Thursday, December 15, 2005
Why English Is So Tough
Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
(Courtesy: Doctordialtone)
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!
(Courtesy: Doctordialtone)
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Outsourcing the Presidency
Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of January 12, 2006.
The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway or sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of January 12, 2006.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center, "stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem cause Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a résumé and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.
Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway or sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of January 12, 2006.
Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center, "stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem cause Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.
"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.
Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a résumé and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.
Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.
Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Male or Female
From the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which it was postulated that English has male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reasons.
The best submissions:
Detective Novel — female, because you’re not supposed to peek at its end the minute you pick it up.
Swiss Army Knife — male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it’s time just opening bottles.
Kidneys – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
Penlight – male, because it can be turned on very easily, but isn’t very bright.
Hammer — male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it’s handy to have around and is good for killing spiders.
Tire — male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
Hot air balloon – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there’s the hot air part.
Web page — female, because it is always getting hit on.
Web page – male, because you have to wait for it to reload.
Shoe — male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
Copier — female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
Magic 8 Ball — male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
Ziploc bags — male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
Sponges — female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
Critic – female, What, this needs to be explained?
Subway – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
Hourglass — female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
The best submissions:
Detective Novel — female, because you’re not supposed to peek at its end the minute you pick it up.
Swiss Army Knife — male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it’s time just opening bottles.
Kidneys – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
Penlight – male, because it can be turned on very easily, but isn’t very bright.
Hammer — male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it’s handy to have around and is good for killing spiders.
Tire — male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
Hot air balloon – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there’s the hot air part.
Web page — female, because it is always getting hit on.
Web page – male, because you have to wait for it to reload.
Shoe — male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
Copier — female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
Magic 8 Ball — male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question.
Ziploc bags — male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
Sponges — female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
Critic – female, What, this needs to be explained?
Subway – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.
Hourglass — female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
Quotes
Oops, which one should I follow. Or should I follow both:
"Laziness is the worst enemy of humans. . ." - Jawaharlal Nehru.
"Humans should learn to love even their worst enemies...!!!" - Mahatma Gandhi.
"Laziness is the worst enemy of humans. . ." - Jawaharlal Nehru.
"Humans should learn to love even their worst enemies...!!!" - Mahatma Gandhi.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Christmas Humour
* What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses
* What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle
* Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis
* Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph
* What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet
* What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet
* What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas
* What does Santa like to eat?
A jolly roll
* Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen
* What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH OH NO!
* If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe
* How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid
* What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia
* What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws
* The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus
* Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him
* What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold
* Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log
* What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!
* What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
* Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him
* What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
* How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
* What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
* What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood
* What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes
* What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve
* What did Tarzan sing at Christmas time?
Jungle Bells
* Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
* What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
Subordinate Clauses
* What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle
* Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis
* Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph
* What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet
* What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet
* What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas
* What does Santa like to eat?
A jolly roll
* Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen
* What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH OH NO!
* If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe
* How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid
* What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia
* What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws
* The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus
* Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him
* What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold
* Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log
* What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!
* What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish
* Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him
* What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
* How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!
* What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
* What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood
* What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes
* What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve
* What did Tarzan sing at Christmas time?
Jungle Bells
* Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
* What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
Friday, December 09, 2005
What Do People Like For.....?
1. What do golfers enjoy in their salads?
2. What do anatomy specialists have for dinner?
3. What vegetables do goldsmiths eat?
4. What icy treat do gamblers love more than anything?
5. What dish do you serve when you need a favor?
6. What did the quality-control expert refuse to eat?
7. What was the cheerleader's favorite beverage?
8. What was the loner's favorite fish?
9. What did the Scandinavian cannibal eat for dinner?
10. What is Lassie's favorite vegetable?
11. What do ministers eat for dessert?
12. What does the Psychiatrist like to snack on after dinner?
13. What is a photographer's favorite canape?
14. What do plumbers eat as a first course?
15. What is an amateur radio operator's favorite snack?
16. What does an educator eat for lunch?
17. What breakfast cereal does a magician eat for breakfast?
18. What cereal do British gents eat for breakfast?
19. What does a cosmetics manufacturer eat for breakfast?
20. What is a surveyor's favourite cut of meat?
Answers:
1. What do golfers enjoy in their salads?
GREENS
2. What do anatomy specialists have for dinner?
SPARE RIBS
3. What vegetables do goldsmiths eat?
CARROTS
4. What icy treat do gamblers love more than anything?
SHERBET
5. What dish do you serve when you need a favor?
CURRY
6. What did the quality-control expert refuse to eat?
SECONDS
7. What was the cheerleader's favorite beverage?
ROOT BEER
8. What was the loner's favorite fish?
SOLE
9. What did the Scandinavian cannibal eat for dinner?
SWEDE
10. What is Lassie's favorite vegetable?
CAULIFLOWER
11. What do ministers eat for dessert?
DIVINITY
12. What does the Psychiatrist like to snack on after dinner?
NUTS
13. What is a photographer's favorite canape?
CHEESE
14. What do plumbers eat as a first course?
LEEKS
15. What is an amateur radio operator's favorite snack?
HAM
16. What does an educator eat for lunch?
ALPHABET SOUP
17. What breakfast cereal does a magician eat for breakfast?
TRIX
18. What cereal do British gents eat for breakfast?
CHEERIOS
19. What does a cosmetics manufacturer eat for breakfast?
PANCAKES
20. What is a surveyor's favourite cut of meat?
STEAK
2. What do anatomy specialists have for dinner?
3. What vegetables do goldsmiths eat?
4. What icy treat do gamblers love more than anything?
5. What dish do you serve when you need a favor?
6. What did the quality-control expert refuse to eat?
7. What was the cheerleader's favorite beverage?
8. What was the loner's favorite fish?
9. What did the Scandinavian cannibal eat for dinner?
10. What is Lassie's favorite vegetable?
11. What do ministers eat for dessert?
12. What does the Psychiatrist like to snack on after dinner?
13. What is a photographer's favorite canape?
14. What do plumbers eat as a first course?
15. What is an amateur radio operator's favorite snack?
16. What does an educator eat for lunch?
17. What breakfast cereal does a magician eat for breakfast?
18. What cereal do British gents eat for breakfast?
19. What does a cosmetics manufacturer eat for breakfast?
20. What is a surveyor's favourite cut of meat?
Answers:
1. What do golfers enjoy in their salads?
GREENS
2. What do anatomy specialists have for dinner?
SPARE RIBS
3. What vegetables do goldsmiths eat?
CARROTS
4. What icy treat do gamblers love more than anything?
SHERBET
5. What dish do you serve when you need a favor?
CURRY
6. What did the quality-control expert refuse to eat?
SECONDS
7. What was the cheerleader's favorite beverage?
ROOT BEER
8. What was the loner's favorite fish?
SOLE
9. What did the Scandinavian cannibal eat for dinner?
SWEDE
10. What is Lassie's favorite vegetable?
CAULIFLOWER
11. What do ministers eat for dessert?
DIVINITY
12. What does the Psychiatrist like to snack on after dinner?
NUTS
13. What is a photographer's favorite canape?
CHEESE
14. What do plumbers eat as a first course?
LEEKS
15. What is an amateur radio operator's favorite snack?
HAM
16. What does an educator eat for lunch?
ALPHABET SOUP
17. What breakfast cereal does a magician eat for breakfast?
TRIX
18. What cereal do British gents eat for breakfast?
CHEERIOS
19. What does a cosmetics manufacturer eat for breakfast?
PANCAKES
20. What is a surveyor's favourite cut of meat?
STEAK
Thursday, December 08, 2005
How To Lose That Extra Weight!
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities, and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight).... . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . ... . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . .. . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Covering your tracks . . . . . . . . . 165
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
Cracking a smile . . . . . . . . . . . .35
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight).... . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . ... . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . .. . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Covering your tracks . . . . . . . . . 165
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
Cracking a smile . . . . . . . . . . . .35
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
World's Longest Palindrome
(Dan Hoey, who had recently graduated, wrote a C program to look for and construct the following beauty):
A man, a plan, a caret, a ban, a myriad, a sum, a lac, a liar, a hoop, a pint, a catalpa, a gas, an oil, a bird, a yell, a vat, a caw, a pax, a wag, a tax, a nay, a ram, a cap, a yam, a gay, a tsar, a wall, a car, a luger, a ward, a bin, a woman, a vassal, a wolf, a tuna, a nit, a pall, a fret, a watt, a bay, a daub, a tan, a cab, a datum, a gall, a hat, a fag, a zap, a say, a jaw, a lay, a wet, a gallop, a tug, a trot, a trap, a tram, a torr, a caper, a top, a tonk, a toll, a ball, a fair, a sax, a minim, a tenor, a bass, a passer, a capital, a rut, an amen, a ted, a cabal, a tang, a sun, an ass, a maw, a sag, a jam, a dam, a sub, a salt, an axon, a sail, an ad, a wadi, a radian, a room, a rood, a rip, a tad, a pariah, a revel, a reel, a reed, a pool, a plug, a pin, a peek, a parabola, a dog, a pat, a cud, a nu, a fan, a pal, a rum, a nod, an eta, a lag, an eel, a batik, a mug, a mot, a nap, a maxim, a mood, a leek, a grub, a gob, a gel, a drab, a citadel, a total, a cedar, a tap, a gag, a rat, a manor, a bar, a gal, a cola, a pap, a yaw, a tab, a raj, a gab, a nag, a pagan, a bag, a jar, a bat, a way, a papa, a local, a gar, a baron, a mat, a rag, a gap, a tar, a decal, a tot, a led, a tic, a bard, a leg, a bog, a burg, a keel, a doom, a mix, a map, an atom, a gum, a kit, a baleen, a gala, a ten, a don, a mural, a pan, a faun, a ducat, a pagoda, a lob, a rap, a keep, a nip, a gulp, a loop, a deer, a leer, a lever, a hair, a pad, a tapir, a door, a moor, an aid, a raid, a wad, an alias, an ox, an atlas, a bus, a madam, a jag, a saw, a mass, an anus, a gnat, a lab, a cadet, an em, a natural, a tip, a caress, a pass, a baronet, a minimax, a sari, a fall, a ballot, a knot, a pot, a rep, a carrot, a mart, a part, a tort, a gut, a poll, a gateway, a law, a jay, a sap, a zag, a fat, a hall, a gamut, a dab, a can, a tabu, a day, a batt, a waterfall, a patina, a nut, a flow, a lass, a van, a mow, a nib, a draw, a regular, a call, a war, a stay, a gam, a yap, a cam, a ray, an ax, a tag, a wax, a paw, a cat, a valley, a drib, a lion, a saga, a plat, a catnip, a pooh, a rail, a calamus, a dairyman, a bater, a canal-Panama.
This is the world's longest PALINDROME.
A man, a plan, a caret, a ban, a myriad, a sum, a lac, a liar, a hoop, a pint, a catalpa, a gas, an oil, a bird, a yell, a vat, a caw, a pax, a wag, a tax, a nay, a ram, a cap, a yam, a gay, a tsar, a wall, a car, a luger, a ward, a bin, a woman, a vassal, a wolf, a tuna, a nit, a pall, a fret, a watt, a bay, a daub, a tan, a cab, a datum, a gall, a hat, a fag, a zap, a say, a jaw, a lay, a wet, a gallop, a tug, a trot, a trap, a tram, a torr, a caper, a top, a tonk, a toll, a ball, a fair, a sax, a minim, a tenor, a bass, a passer, a capital, a rut, an amen, a ted, a cabal, a tang, a sun, an ass, a maw, a sag, a jam, a dam, a sub, a salt, an axon, a sail, an ad, a wadi, a radian, a room, a rood, a rip, a tad, a pariah, a revel, a reel, a reed, a pool, a plug, a pin, a peek, a parabola, a dog, a pat, a cud, a nu, a fan, a pal, a rum, a nod, an eta, a lag, an eel, a batik, a mug, a mot, a nap, a maxim, a mood, a leek, a grub, a gob, a gel, a drab, a citadel, a total, a cedar, a tap, a gag, a rat, a manor, a bar, a gal, a cola, a pap, a yaw, a tab, a raj, a gab, a nag, a pagan, a bag, a jar, a bat, a way, a papa, a local, a gar, a baron, a mat, a rag, a gap, a tar, a decal, a tot, a led, a tic, a bard, a leg, a bog, a burg, a keel, a doom, a mix, a map, an atom, a gum, a kit, a baleen, a gala, a ten, a don, a mural, a pan, a faun, a ducat, a pagoda, a lob, a rap, a keep, a nip, a gulp, a loop, a deer, a leer, a lever, a hair, a pad, a tapir, a door, a moor, an aid, a raid, a wad, an alias, an ox, an atlas, a bus, a madam, a jag, a saw, a mass, an anus, a gnat, a lab, a cadet, an em, a natural, a tip, a caress, a pass, a baronet, a minimax, a sari, a fall, a ballot, a knot, a pot, a rep, a carrot, a mart, a part, a tort, a gut, a poll, a gateway, a law, a jay, a sap, a zag, a fat, a hall, a gamut, a dab, a can, a tabu, a day, a batt, a waterfall, a patina, a nut, a flow, a lass, a van, a mow, a nib, a draw, a regular, a call, a war, a stay, a gam, a yap, a cam, a ray, an ax, a tag, a wax, a paw, a cat, a valley, a drib, a lion, a saga, a plat, a catnip, a pooh, a rail, a calamus, a dairyman, a bater, a canal-Panama.
This is the world's longest PALINDROME.
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