You Might Be a Physics Student If

• you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
• you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
• you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
• you always do homework on Friday nights.
• you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
• you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
• you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
• you have a pet named after a scientist.
• you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
• you can translate English into binary.
• you can't remember what's behind the science-building door that says "Exit."
• you have to bring a jacket with you in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
• you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
• when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.
• you assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
• you understood more than five of these indicators.
• you made a hard copy of this list and posted it on your door.

Signs You Are Getting Old

• You got cable for the Weather Channel
• If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
• When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and you can't get it back around.
• Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
• Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
• Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Resume Blunders

(From actual resumes as reported by Fortune magazine)

• "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
• "I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms"
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
• "Marital status: often. Children: various."
• "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
• "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
• "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."