If AOL Were A City

1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps
offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic
knocks you back into your yard.
5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
4. Your birthday cake collapses from weight of the candles.
5 When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
6. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
10. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
17. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

Useless Inventions

1. Non stick Cellotape
2. Solar Powered Flash Light
3. A black highlighter pen
4. Glow in the dark sunglasses
5. Inflatable Anchor
6. Smooth Sandpaper
7. Waterproof sponge
8. Waterproof Teabags
9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
10. Fireproof Matches
11. Fireproof Cigarettes
12. Battery powered Battery Charger
13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
14. Hand powered Chainsaw
15. Inflatable Dartboard
16. Silent Alarm Clock
17. A Pedal powered wheelchair
18. Braille Drivers Manual
19. Double sided playing cards
20. Ejector seats for Helicopters

You might be a caffeine addict if...

1. You think sleep is for the weak.
2. The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
3. You believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.
4. You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
5. It's 6:09 AM and you're on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee.
6. You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
7. Your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.
8. Your heart rate is always in triple digits.
9. Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of.
10. You wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.
11. You can name the five flavors of JOLT.
12. You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
13. You have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.
14. Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
15. You've given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can't make it 40 days without caffeine.
16. You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.
17. Your heart only beats twice an hour and your eyes won't shut anymore.
18. Your slogan is "Save water, drink coffee."
19. You have on more than one occasion snorted instant coffee.
20. You suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee.

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again?
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
20. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
21. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!