Saturday, September 05, 2009

Quotes from the Political Sector

* "I resent your insinuendoes."

* "No man is an Ireland."

* "If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."

* "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

* "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

* "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

* "Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation."-- Marion Berry

* "Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."

* "To be demeanored like that is an exercise in fertility."

* "I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."

* "If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."

* "When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."

* "Let's do this in one foul swoop."

* "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."

* "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."

* "The average age of a 7-year-old in this state is 13."

* "We have a permanent plan for the time being."

* "Family planning has many misconceptions."

* "The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."

* "My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."

* "As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."

* "These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."

* "People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."

Friday, August 29, 2008

REAL Warnings

* On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror: "Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."
* On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens: "Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."
* On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the steering wheel: "Warning - Remove lock before driving."
* In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife: "Keep out of children."
* On a packet of juggling balls: "This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years in the USA."
* On a packet of Nytol sleeping tablets: "Warning: may cause drowsiness."
* On a packet of peanuts served on an internal flight in China (written in both English and Chinese): "Open packet and eat contents."
* On 500g packets of Sainsbury's peanuts: "Contains nuts."
* Seen on a camera: "This camera only works when there is film inside."
* On a bottle of flavored milk drink: "After opening, keep upright."
* On a Rowenta iron: "Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!"
* On a can of windscreen de-icing spray: "Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."
* On a can of insect spray: "Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: This spray is harmful to bees."
* A different brand of insect spray: "Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects. Not tested on animals."
* On a Halloween Batman costume: "This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."

Friday, August 01, 2008

Computer Humor

  • What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
  • What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
  • Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
  • What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
  • My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
  • >>>>>-------- The information went data way -------->
  • BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
  • C:> Bad, bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
  • Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
  • C:> File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  • Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
  • Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
  • Who's General Failure, & why's he reading my disk?
  • Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
  • THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down.
  • To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.

Monday, June 16, 2008

You Might Be a Physics Student If

  • you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
  • you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
  • you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
  • you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
  • you always do homework on Friday nights.
  • you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
  • you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
  • you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
  • you have a pet named after a scientist.
  • you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
  • you can translate English into binary.
  • you can't remember what's behind the science-building door that says "Exit."
  • you have to bring a jacket with you in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
  • you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
  • when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.
  • you assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
  • you understood more than five of these indicators.
  • you made a hard copy of this list and posted it on your door.

Signs You Are Getting Old

  • You got cable for the Weather Channel
  • If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
  • When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and you can't get it back around.
  • Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
  • Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
  • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Resume Blunders

(From actual resumes as reported by Fortune magazine)
  • "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
  • "I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms"
  • "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
  • "Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."
  • "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
  • "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
  • "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
  • "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
  • "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
  • "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
  • "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
  • "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
  • "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
  • "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
  • "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
  • "Marital status: often. Children: various."
  • "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
  • "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
  • "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Lost in the Translation

  • In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
  • In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
  • Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
  • In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
  • On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
  • In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
  • In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
  • In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
  • Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
  • Sign in a hotel corridor in Istanbul: "Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises."
  • In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
  • At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
  • Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."
  • On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."
  • In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin."
  • In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take on of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages."
  • In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

English Subtitles in Hong Kong Films

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feet on some ass of the giant lizard person.

Things We Take 50 Years To Learn

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about
your birthday. That time is: age 11.
7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours
with them.
9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides
to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
12. You should not confuse your career with your life.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
16. Your true friends love you, anyway.
17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Computer Proverbs

* Home is where you hang your @.
* The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
* C: is the root of all directories.
* Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
* Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
* The modem is the message.
* Too many clicks spoil the browse.
* The geek shall inherit the earth.
* A chat has nine lives.
* Don't byte off more than you can view.
* Fax is stranger than fiction.
* What boots up must come down.
* Windows will never cease.
* Virtual reality is its own reward.
* Modulation in all things.
* A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
* Know what to expect before you connect.
* Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
* Speed thrills.
* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.