Bizarre T-Shirt Sayings

* (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

* My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

* I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

* (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

* Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount

* Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

* I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

* I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

* Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

* IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

* Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

* If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

Business Quotes

Accomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your regular duties.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. (Robert Frost)

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. (Sir Barnett Cocks)

Doing nothing is tiring because you can't stop to rest.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. (Dr. Lawrence J. Peter - The Peter Principle)

The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to recognize his boss' voice on the phone. (Martin Buxbaum)

Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

The Golden Rule of Bureaucracy: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research.

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided. (Casey Stengal)

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

A memorandum is not written to inform the reader but to protect the writer. (Dean Acheson)

Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time!

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.

Wacky 911 calls

* A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.

* A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Seitzerland."

* A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man, and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on the ground and screaming 'You ain't nothing but a hound dog.'"

* Another person called to report he had the hiccups.

* A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was belly-button lint.

* A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.

* A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse in her house.

* Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and was in a tree outside.

* A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than hers, in her driveway.

* A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.

* A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person answering told him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.

* Another winner called to ask when the Cinco de Mayo celebration was. (Cinco de Mayo means the 5th of May)

* A female complainant called to request a police officer come to her residence to change the battery in her smoke detector. She couldn't reach it.

* A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.

* A woman called to report that someone had trespassed on her property. When asked how she knew this, she reported that the person had trimmed her rose bushes, and she knew it was her next-door neighbor.

* A person called to find out the number to the police station.

Lessons Learnt in Corporate Life

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.

2. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

6. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

7. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

8. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

9. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

10. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.

11. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

12. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

13. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

14. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

And Finally, Some Good Business Advice You'll Never Receive:

15. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

16. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

17. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

18. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

19. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.

Puns on Law

11) Lawyers wear law suits.

10) Next time you get a lawyer a drink, give him just-ice.

9) A lawyer using a facsimile machine must be sure to get his fax straight.

8) A lawyer for a church did some cross-examining.

7) Does a lawyer representing an angry cow find just cause for sour milk in a dairy case?

6) A detective likes to have a brief case.

5) The detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured that it must be blackmail.

4) There are many judges who would like to acquit smoking.

3) Old judges never die, they just slur their sentences.

2) A police dog is often the scenter of a drug arrest.

1) If there's one person you don't want to interrupt in the middle of a sentence, it's a judge.

Thoughts For Today

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"

Real Product Warning Labels

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.......)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness.." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to.....what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

What is the definition of...

Amnesia?...What did you just ask me?

Apathy?...I don't care.

Bigotry?...I'm not going to tell someone like you.

Egotistical?...I'm the best person to answer that question.

Evasive?...Go do your homework.

Flatulent?...That question really stinks!

Ignorance?...I don't know.

Indifference?...It doesn't matter.

Influenza?...You've got to be sick to ask me that question.

Insomnia?...I stayed awake all last night thinking of the answer.

Irreverent?...I swear to God, you ask too many questions!

Narcissism?...Before I answer, tell me, don't I look great?

Over-Protective?...I don't know if you're ready for the answer.

Paranoid?...You probably think I don't know the answer, do you?

Procrastination?...I'll tell you tomorrow.

Repetitive?...I already told you the answer once before.

Self-Centered?...Well, I know the answer, that's all that matters.

Suspicious?...Why are you asking me all these questions?

Real Signs In Shop Windows

Signs In a clothing store:
"Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."

In the window of an Oregon general store:
"Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?"

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."

On a Tennessee highway:
"Take notice: when this sign is under water, this road is impassable."

From the safety information card in America WestAirline seat pocket:
"If you are sitting in an exit row and can not read this card, please tell a crew member."

On a Maine shop:
"Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship."

On a delicatessen wall:
"Our best is none too good."

You Might Be A Physics Major

• if you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
• if you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• if you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
• if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
• if you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
• if you think in "math."
• if you have a pet named after a scientist.
• if you can translate English into Binary.
• if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.

If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk At Work

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about
in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
1. " ...... AMEN!"

If AOL Were A City

1. You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.
2. You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.
3. Once you got outside, even if you were in a hurry, you'd be assaulted by slimy little door-to-door sales creeps
offering you great AOL 14.4 modems for only $399.99.
4. The commute to work is just a double-click away, but every time you try to leave your driveway, the flow of traffic
knocks you back into your yard.
5. The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known resident.
6. The local post office won't forward your mail to you when you move.
7. If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a form letter saying how you "really are important to us."
8. Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY UNAVAILABLE."
9. Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license tag and laugh at you, behind your back.
10. You'd occasionally be sent home during your day by another bouncer telling you that the city has performed an illegal operation.
11. You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage, and vacate before sun-up.
12. The administration would build a huge, state of the art park, and allow the kids to play there free, then suddenly start demanding money.

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

1. Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.
2. You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open or your blouse unbuttoned.
3. Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
4. Your birthday cake collapses from weight of the candles.
5 When the doctor tells you are in fine health for someone twice your age.
6. It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.
7. Everyone avoids you the morning after the company office party.
8. Your income tax refund check bounces.
9. The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
10. People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.
11. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.
12. You put both contacts into the same eye.
13. Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
14. Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
15. You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.
16. Nothing you own is actually paid for.
17. You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.
18. The health inspector condems your office coffee maker.
19. You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.
20. The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money when she sees your future.

Useless Inventions

1. Non stick Cellotape
2. Solar Powered Flash Light
3. A black highlighter pen
4. Glow in the dark sunglasses
5. Inflatable Anchor
6. Smooth Sandpaper
7. Waterproof sponge
8. Waterproof Teabags
9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
10. Fireproof Matches
11. Fireproof Cigarettes
12. Battery powered Battery Charger
13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
14. Hand powered Chainsaw
15. Inflatable Dartboard
16. Silent Alarm Clock
17. A Pedal powered wheelchair
18. Braille Drivers Manual
19. Double sided playing cards
20. Ejector seats for Helicopters

You might be a caffeine addict if...

1. You think sleep is for the weak.
2. The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
3. You believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.
4. You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
5. It's 6:09 AM and you're on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee.
6. You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
7. Your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.
8. Your heart rate is always in triple digits.
9. Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of.
10. You wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.
11. You can name the five flavors of JOLT.
12. You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
13. You have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.
14. Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
15. You've given up sex, TV, or all forms of meat for Lent before, but can't make it 40 days without caffeine.
16. You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.
17. Your heart only beats twice an hour and your eyes won't shut anymore.
18. Your slogan is "Save water, drink coffee."
19. You have on more than one occasion snorted instant coffee.
20. You suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee.

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."
3. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!
4. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
5. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.
6. Oh no! Where's my Rolex.
7. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?
8. There go the lights again?
9. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em."
10. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
11. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.
12. What's this doing here?
13. I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.
14. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!
15. Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
16. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
17. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
18. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
19. Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card?
20. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
21. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?"
22. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
23. Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

What Not To Say To A Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist?
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Actual Headlines

"Crack Found on Governor's Daughter"
"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash"
"Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"
"Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?"
"Prostitutes Appeal to Pope"
"Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Teacher Strikes Idle Kids"
"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
"War Dims Hope for Peace"
"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile"
"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
"Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
"Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge"
"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"
"Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy"
"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"
"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"

Doesn't It Annoy You When

1. There's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?
2. You buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?
3. There's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?
4. You're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?
5. You tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.
6. Someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
7. A friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.
8. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.
9. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
10. A waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
11. Your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
12. The dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
13. The power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
14. Someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check.
15. The elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
16. You almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

Perks for the Over 40 Crowd

1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4) People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There's nothing left to learn 'the hard way'.
7) Things you buy now probably won't wear out.
8) You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9) You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11) You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15) You sing along with the elevator music.
16) Your eyes won't get much worse.
17) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
19) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
21) You can't remember how you came to this page.

10 Reasons Why You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical laughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Easter ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case -- Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America, Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

Cards You Will Never See In Hallmark

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
2. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
3. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."
4. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you."
5. "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"
6. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."
7. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
8. "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
9. "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this!"
10. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
11. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
12. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."
13. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Life-like!
14. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
15. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl, chew toys."
16. "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
17. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
18. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"
19. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
20. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep."
21. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)

25 Proverbs for a Healthier Life

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. There is not one shred of evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never run out of material.

Guide to Buying Gifts For Men

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8 inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big screen TV and watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #7:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RVCenter, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what itis. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #8:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man astep ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Clamps. Men can never have enough quick grip clamps. No one knows why.

Rule #10:
Buy your man Duct Tape. This is a man's most universal repair tool. All men know, if you can't fix it, duct it.

You Might Be a Bad Cook If...

•You look in a cookbook to find out how to boil water.
•The smoke alarm beeps if you even walk near the stove.
•Your family buys Pepto and Tums in bulk.
•The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire.
•You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your roommate and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
•Your food melts plastic and silverware.
•The dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
•All your baked goods have the names "asphalt" or "Hockey puck."
•There are bones in your toast.
•All you cook seems to be left overs.
•The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
•Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear the fire alarm.
•The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
•Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
•There's no such thing as an unusable leftover.
•You really have messed up a salad.
•The family pets are no where to be found during dinner
•Around dinnertime, the family seems really interested in going to that restaurant that always has trouble passing the health inspection.