Signs You Are Getting Old

• You got cable for the Weather Channel
• If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
• When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and you can't get it back around.
• Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
• Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
• Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Things We Take 50 Years To Learn

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about
your birthday. That time is: age 11.
7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours
with them.
9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides
to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
12. You should not confuse your career with your life.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
16. Your true friends love you, anyway.
17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Perks for the Over 40 Crowd

1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run into a burning building.
4) People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There's nothing left to learn 'the hard way'.
7) Things you buy now probably won't wear out.
8) You can eat dinner at 4:00 p.m.
9) You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10) You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11) You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
12) You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
13) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15) You sing along with the elevator music.
16) Your eyes won't get much worse.
17) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
19) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
20) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
21) You can't remember how you came to this page.

Now that I'm older

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

10. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

11. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

12. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

13. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

14. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

16. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

17. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

18. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

19. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

20. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE BLOGGED THIS OR NOT!

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes...

I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...

BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack....

BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook...

BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...

BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...

BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control...And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious...I'd better get help...

BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail.

When Life Begins

* Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else is starting to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

* There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

* You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

* Middle age is when work is a lot less fun; and fun is a lot more work.

* Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Now isn't that a great time for a guy to get those kind of odds?

* You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

* Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

* Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

* A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

* You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

* You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

* You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before!

* The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

* It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

* When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

* You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.