Complaint From Customer

Box of Short Bread Cookies

Imagine you're in London's Heathrow Airport. While you're waiting for your flight, you notice a kiosk selling shortbread cookies. You buy a box, put them in your traveling bag and then you patiently search for an available seat so you can sit down and enjoy your cookies. Finally you find a seat next to a gentleman. You reach down into your traveling bag and pull out your box of shortbread cookies.

As you do so, you notice that the gentleman starts watching you intensely. He stares as you open the box and his eyes follow your hand as you pick up the cookie and bring it to your mouth. Just then he reaches over and takes one of your cookies from the box, and eats it!

You're more than a little surprised at this. Actually, you're at a loss for words. Not only does he take one cookie, but he alternates with you. For every one cookie you take, he takes one.

Now, what's your immediate impression of this guy? Crazy? Greedy? He's got some nerve?! Can you imagine the words you might use to describe this man to your associates back at the office? Meanwhile, you both continue eating the cookies until there's just one left. To your surprise, the man reaches over and takes it. But then he does something unexpected. He breaks it in half, and gives half to you. After he's finished with his half he gets up, and without a word, he leaves.

You think to yourself, "Did this really happen?" You're left sitting there dumbfounded and still hungry. So you go back to the kiosk and buy another box of cookies. You then return to your seat and begin opening your new box of cookies when you glance down into your traveling bag.

Sitting there in your bag is your original box of cookies -- still unopened. Only then do you realize that when you reached down earlier, you had reached into the other man's bag, and grabbed his box of cookies by mistake. Now what do you think of the man? Generous? Tolerant? You've just experienced a profound paradigm shift. You're seeing things from a new point of view.

Is it time to change your point of view?

Now, think of this story as it relates to your life . Seeing things from a new point of view can be very enlightening. Think outside the box. Don't settle for the status quo. Be open to suggestions. Things may not be what they seem.

Confucious Said....

(An assortment of sayings from that great Chinese Philosopher “Confucious”.)

• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
• Man who scratches backside should not bite fingernails.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
• Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
• Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who breaks wind in church sits in own pew.
• Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

(NB: I wonder how he guessed the first and last one back then.....)

Real Newspaper Ads

**3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

** Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

** Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.

** Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00.

** Illiterate? Write today for free help.

** Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

** Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

** Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

** Stock up and save. Limit: one.

** Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

** Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

** For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

** Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

** We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

** Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Performance Evaluations

(Courtesy: Doctordialtone)

These useful quotes are from actual federal employee performance evaluations:

* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

* I would not allow this employee to breed.

* This employee is really not so much of a has-been but more of a definite won't-be.

* When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

* Got a full six-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

* A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

* He has been working with glue too much.

* If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he is the other one.

* A photographic memory but with the lens covered glued on.

* Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

* Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train is not coming.

* Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

* If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.

* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

* It is hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

* Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

* The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Warning Message

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called “beer” is used by many females to targe unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large “kegs”. “Beer” is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer” and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several “beers” men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking “beer” men often awaken with only hazy memories ofexactly what happened to them the night before,often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.”

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after “beer” is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious “beer” and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Rugby clubs” in the yellow pages.

Introducing My Team

Intelligence Redefined.....

Why English Is So Tough

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation -- think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough --
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

(Courtesy: Doctordialtone)

Outsourcing the Presidency

Congress today announced that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of January 12, 2006.

The move is being made to save the President's $400,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office has incurred during the last 5 years.

"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been underway or sometime. Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President as of January 12, 2006.

Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night, when few offices of the US Government will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the American Express call center, "stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President someday."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem cause Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all.

"We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a résumé and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to Bush's extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile.

Another possibility is Bush's re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has visited. "I've been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airport's terminal and gift shop.

Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome.

Male or Female

From the Washington Post Style Invitational, in which it was postulated that English has male and female nouns. Readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reasons.

The best submissions:

Detective Novel — female, because you’re not supposed to peek at its end the minute you pick it up.

Swiss Army Knife — male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it’s time just opening bottles.

Kidneys – female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Penlight – male, because it can be turned on very easily, but isn’t very bright.

Hammer — male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years but it’s handy to have around and is good for killing spiders.

Tire — male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.

Hot air balloon – male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, there’s the hot air part.

Web page — female, because it is always getting hit on.

Web page – male, because you have to wait for it to reload.

Shoe — male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

Copier — female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

Magic 8 Ball — male, because it gives monosyllabic answers that usually indicate it did not pay attention to your question.

Ziploc bags — male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

Sponges — female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Critic – female, What, this needs to be explained?

Subway – male, because it uses the same old lines to pick up people.

Hourglass — female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Quotes

Oops, which one should I follow. Or should I follow both:

"Laziness is the worst enemy of humans. . ." - Jawaharlal Nehru.

"Humans should learn to love even their worst enemies...!!!" - Mahatma Gandhi.

Christmas Humour

* What do they call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

* What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace?
Krisp Kringle

* Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys?
Santa's little Elvis

* Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
"Rude"olph

* What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet

* What reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet

* What is the cow's holiday greeting?
Mooooory Christmas

* What does Santa like to eat?
A jolly roll

* Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch?
Deery Queen

* What does Santa say when he is sick?
OH OH NO!

* If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Missile toe

* How does Santa Claus take pictures?
With his North Pole-aroid

* What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney?
Santa Claus-trophbia

* What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy Claws

* The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus
He is Santa Claus

* Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him

* What can Santa give away and still keep?
A cold

* Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log

* What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

* What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish

* Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him

* What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

* How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

* What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

* What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon hood

* What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes

* What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve

* What did Tarzan sing at Christmas time?
Jungle Bells

* Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

* What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.

What Do People Like For.....?

1. What do golfers enjoy in their salads?
2. What do anatomy specialists have for dinner?
3. What vegetables do goldsmiths eat?
4. What icy treat do gamblers love more than anything?
5. What dish do you serve when you need a favor?
6. What did the quality-control expert refuse to eat?
7. What was the cheerleader's favorite beverage?
8. What was the loner's favorite fish?
9. What did the Scandinavian cannibal eat for dinner?
10. What is Lassie's favorite vegetable?
11. What do ministers eat for dessert?
12. What does the Psychiatrist like to snack on after dinner?
13. What is a photographer's favorite canape?
14. What do plumbers eat as a first course?
15. What is an amateur radio operator's favorite snack?
16. What does an educator eat for lunch?
17. What breakfast cereal does a magician eat for breakfast?
18. What cereal do British gents eat for breakfast?
19. What does a cosmetics manufacturer eat for breakfast?
20. What is a surveyor's favourite cut of meat?



















Answers:
1. What do golfers enjoy in their salads?
GREENS
2. What do anatomy specialists have for dinner?
SPARE RIBS
3. What vegetables do goldsmiths eat?
CARROTS
4. What icy treat do gamblers love more than anything?
SHERBET
5. What dish do you serve when you need a favor?
CURRY
6. What did the quality-control expert refuse to eat?
SECONDS
7. What was the cheerleader's favorite beverage?
ROOT BEER
8. What was the loner's favorite fish?
SOLE
9. What did the Scandinavian cannibal eat for dinner?
SWEDE
10. What is Lassie's favorite vegetable?
CAULIFLOWER
11. What do ministers eat for dessert?
DIVINITY
12. What does the Psychiatrist like to snack on after dinner?
NUTS
13. What is a photographer's favorite canape?
CHEESE
14. What do plumbers eat as a first course?
LEEKS
15. What is an amateur radio operator's favorite snack?
HAM
16. What does an educator eat for lunch?
ALPHABET SOUP
17. What breakfast cereal does a magician eat for breakfast?
TRIX
18. What cereal do British gents eat for breakfast?
CHEERIOS
19. What does a cosmetics manufacturer eat for breakfast?
PANCAKES
20. What is a surveyor's favourite cut of meat?
STEAK

How To Lose That Extra Weight!

Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities, and the number of calories per hour they consume.

Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight).... . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . ... . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . .. . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Covering your tracks . . . . . . . . . 165
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
Cracking a smile . . . . . . . . . . . .35
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

I Hate...

Exam Hall

World's Longest Palindrome

(Dan Hoey, who had recently graduated, wrote a C program to look for and construct the following beauty):

A man, a plan, a caret, a ban, a myriad, a sum, a lac, a liar, a hoop, a pint, a catalpa, a gas, an oil, a bird, a yell, a vat, a caw, a pax, a wag, a tax, a nay, a ram, a cap, a yam, a gay, a tsar, a wall, a car, a luger, a ward, a bin, a woman, a vassal, a wolf, a tuna, a nit, a pall, a fret, a watt, a bay, a daub, a tan, a cab, a datum, a gall, a hat, a fag, a zap, a say, a jaw, a lay, a wet, a gallop, a tug, a trot, a trap, a tram, a torr, a caper, a top, a tonk, a toll, a ball, a fair, a sax, a minim, a tenor, a bass, a passer, a capital, a rut, an amen, a ted, a cabal, a tang, a sun, an ass, a maw, a sag, a jam, a dam, a sub, a salt, an axon, a sail, an ad, a wadi, a radian, a room, a rood, a rip, a tad, a pariah, a revel, a reel, a reed, a pool, a plug, a pin, a peek, a parabola, a dog, a pat, a cud, a nu, a fan, a pal, a rum, a nod, an eta, a lag, an eel, a batik, a mug, a mot, a nap, a maxim, a mood, a leek, a grub, a gob, a gel, a drab, a citadel, a total, a cedar, a tap, a gag, a rat, a manor, a bar, a gal, a cola, a pap, a yaw, a tab, a raj, a gab, a nag, a pagan, a bag, a jar, a bat, a way, a papa, a local, a gar, a baron, a mat, a rag, a gap, a tar, a decal, a tot, a led, a tic, a bard, a leg, a bog, a burg, a keel, a doom, a mix, a map, an atom, a gum, a kit, a baleen, a gala, a ten, a don, a mural, a pan, a faun, a ducat, a pagoda, a lob, a rap, a keep, a nip, a gulp, a loop, a deer, a leer, a lever, a hair, a pad, a tapir, a door, a moor, an aid, a raid, a wad, an alias, an ox, an atlas, a bus, a madam, a jag, a saw, a mass, an anus, a gnat, a lab, a cadet, an em, a natural, a tip, a caress, a pass, a baronet, a minimax, a sari, a fall, a ballot, a knot, a pot, a rep, a carrot, a mart, a part, a tort, a gut, a poll, a gateway, a law, a jay, a sap, a zag, a fat, a hall, a gamut, a dab, a can, a tabu, a day, a batt, a waterfall, a patina, a nut, a flow, a lass, a van, a mow, a nib, a draw, a regular, a call, a war, a stay, a gam, a yap, a cam, a ray, an ax, a tag, a wax, a paw, a cat, a valley, a drib, a lion, a saga, a plat, a catnip, a pooh, a rail, a calamus, a dairyman, a bater, a canal-Panama.


This is the world's longest PALINDROME.

Exam Paper

Humor of the Famous Revisited

[1] Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

[2] I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

[3] Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

[4] The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns

[5] Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge

[6] Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

[7] What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

[8] By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

[9] I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx

[10] My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

[11] The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper

[12] I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

[13] Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

[14] Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

[15] My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgolm-joshi

Weather Forecast

Response To The Guy Rules

If you haven't read the previous post, read it first. Still, I am copying them here itself to avoid your weight-loss by having to click a few more buttons (since it is a compilation of two earlier posts).


The Guy's Side of the Story

Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's
up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't
hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to
think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do
not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost
every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving
it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7
days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don 't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one
of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do
it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither
do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will
act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun
formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep
on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind
that? It's like camping.



And here's the response:

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big boy. If it's down, put it up. We need it down, you need it down. You don't want to kiss a girl who's been IN the toilet.

1. Is there some law that you can only watch sports on Sunday? They come on other days and actually, it's more fun to spread them out over a period of seven days rather than watching them all at once.

1. No, shopping is not a sport, but without it you wouldn't have the junk food you like to cram into your mouth while watching sports.

1. Crying is blackmail and it works!

1. We ask for what we want. We are very clear, but: It's not a subtle hint! It's not a strong hint! It's not even an obvious hint! We do just say it and you still get it completely wrong!

1. We say yes, you hear no. We say no, you hear yes. Obviously, it's a recieving problem.

1. No one asked you for sympathy. We just asked for a solution. You couldn't give it to us, so you complain that all we want is sympathy. It's not our fault you didn't have the answer.

1. Saw the doctor. He said to get rid of what's causing the headache. Your mom said you could stay with her for awhile.

1. "In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days." Great! I guess I can buy those expensive pairs of shoes now!

1. Don't worry, you would never pass for a soap opera guy in a million years.

1. If you think you're as big as the next fat guy, don't ask us. You probably are.

1. So, it either makes us sad or angry. If its not one, it's the other. Neither is a good solution. Work on it.

1. When we ask how to do it, we just want to be sure that you know we are once again doing something that you should've done in the first place.

1. Why talk during the commercials? That's when you make your refrigerator or bathroom run and you hate it when we follow you into the bathroom.

1. Christopher Columbus got lost.

1. Then, you won't mind if I buy you a peach shirt, since you can't see the color anyway!

1. We say nothing to avoid having to listen to you moan about us having problems. Listening to you moan is worse than having our own problems.

1. If we ask a question we don't want an answer to, it's most likely a rhetorical question. Don't know what a rhetorical question is? Look it up in the dictionary or go back to high school English.

1. If anything we wear is fine, stop complaining about what we wear!

1. When we ask what you're thinking, it's usually because you've asked us what we're thinking or yes, we do want to discuss baseball.

1. You need more clothes.

1. You need more shoes.

1. If you are comfortable being round, don't complain when we aren't as "skinny" as the model in the magazine.

1. Of course it's like camping, because in camping you sleep on something that is not quite as long as you are. You don't get the couch, bucko, you get the love seat.

The Guy's Side of the Story

(Note: This one is a continuation an earlier post. I have deleted the repeats, so only two more points are left. Read the previous post if you liked this one.)

Please note...these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

Coolest Illusion

If you watch the below images from your seat in front of the computer, Mr.Angry is on the left, and Mrs.Calm is on the right.

Get up from your seat, and move back 12 feet, and PRESTO!! they switch places!!

I believe this illusion was created by Phillippe G.Schyns and Aude Oliva of the Univ. of Glasgow.

This proves that we may not be seeing what's actually there, all the time!!

More On "A Woman's Dictionary"

* Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

* Bar-be-que (bar*bee*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".

* Blonde Jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

* Clothes Dryer (cloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

* Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.

* Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

* Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

* Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend a half hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

* Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.

* Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space---if he goes in, he isn't coming out any time soon.

* Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

* Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Words Women Use

FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING: This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

WHATEVER: It's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

Faces

Prevention Is Better Than Cure

The ABCs of Aging

A is for apple, and B is for Boat,
that used to be right, but now it won't float.
Age before beauty is what we once said,
but let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now, A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac.
D is for dental decay and decline;
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas, which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend.
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget! What comes next?

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I'll be good as new.

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears.
T for tinnitus; there's bells in my ears.

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy" you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going round?
X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed, And I've kept twenty-six doctors fully employed!

Computer Help Desk

Heard by the computer help desk:

A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Helpdesk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"
Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."
Helpdesk: "Can you tell me what the password was?"
Customer: "Five stars."


Helpdesk: "What kind of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."


Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out."
Helpdesk: "Have you tried pushing the button?"
Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."
Helpdesk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."
Customer: "No... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet
.. it's still on my desk... Sorry..."


Helpdesk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of
the screen."
Customer: "Your left or my left?"


Helpdesk: "Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: "Hello, I can't print."
Helpdesk: "Would you click on start for me and..."
Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me!
I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"


Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even
lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor,
but the computer still says it can't find it."


Customer: "I have problems printing in red."
Helpdesk: "Do you have a color printer?"
Customer: "Aaaah... Thank you."


Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."
Helpdesk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"
Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."
Helpdesk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."
Customer: "Okay."
Helpdesk: "Did the keyboard come with you?"
Customer: "Yes."
Helpdesk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is
there another keyboard?"
Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ahh, that one
works!"


Helpdesk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple,
a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."
Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"


Helpdesk: "What anti-virus program do you use?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Helpdesk: "That's not an anti-virus program."
Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."


Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screen-
saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it
disappears!"


Helpdesk: "How may I help you?"
Customer: "I'm writing my first e-mail."
Helpdesk: "Okay, and what seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but
how do I get the circle around it?"

How To Kill A Lion

Cognizant Method:

• hire a lion...
• ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
• give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.
• hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
• give them same gobi 65 to eat
• hire 200 more....... and more .......

TCS method:

• hire a lion
• give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary
• lion dies of hunger and frustration

Kanbay Method:

• Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion...
• Give him work of 3 Lions
• Tell him to work late and even on weekends...
• No time for food and family, automatically die

Infy method:

• hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat ..
• he will die eventually of frustration...

IBM's metbod:

• hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour ...
• he dies of unemployment...

Syntel Method:-

• Hire a Cat ...
• assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and make sure that he never reaches onsite.
• Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....

MBT method:

• hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score > 60% he will lose the job.
• lion dies of the strain?

i-Flex method:

• hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari for implementing flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes alive he will get band movement (promotion)
• holy cow dies in fear of the real lion

COSL Method:

• hire a lion ..
• tell him to merge with Goats (polaris) and reduce his allowance...
• lion dies from fear that tommorrow he might become a goat....

Polaris Method :

• hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ...
• change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM )
• cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
• lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....

Silverline Method:

• hire a lion, declare a scandal and dont pay him...
• he dies of hunger...

Quinnox method:

• hire the lion. either give him no work or ask for a premature delivery.
• Lion either dies of boredom or intense physical & mental activity...

Patni method:

• hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
• the lion dies before joining....

Nucsoft method:

• hire a lion,give him job of grass eating (IBBS Support)..
• the lion dies from lack of eating meat...

Satyam method:

• hire a lion, give him net access..
• no work..
• and deport him to Chennai centre...
• no water..
• no electricity..
• no hindi speaking ppl...
• lion dies in oblivion......

Wipro method:

• hire a lion...
• give him lots of work...
• transfer him to Wipro Lights division..
• lion dies due to Lightness...

Mastek method:

• hire a lion...
• ask him to align himself with anything and everything...
• ask him to fill complicated competency forms...
• differ increments and pay him salary of a cat...
• lion dies due to fear of getting mis-aligned or starvation...

Caritor Method:

• hire a lion...
• ask him to stay at work..
• give him vegetables to eat...
• hire 10 more lions
• give them vegetables to eat
• hire 20 more

Mom's Dictionary

AIRPLANE : What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN : What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE : Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY : 1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM : A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE : Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST : Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET : Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CHINA : Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK : 1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO : What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.

DATE : Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS : Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST : Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

EAT : What kids do between meals, but not at them.

ENERGY : Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

EYE : The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE : A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD : The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"

GARBAGE : A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES : Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM : Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER : A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES : Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HOMEMADE BREAD : An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

INSIDE : That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO" : Reason enough, according to Mom.

KETCHUP : The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS : Mom medicine.

LAKE : Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

MAYBE : No.

MILK : A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

OCEAN : What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN : The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

One Dollar Bill vs. Fifty Dollar Bill

A torn and ragged one-dollar bill discovered that it was about to be retired from circulation.

As it slowly moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder, it became acquainted and struck up a conversation with a fifty-dollar bill that was meeting the same fate.



The fifty began reminiscing about its travels all over the country. Life has been good," the fifty exclaimed. "Why, I've been to Las Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, political fund raisers, and just returned from a cruise on the Caribbean."


Gee," said the one-dollar bill, "you're fortunate to have been able to visit all those places."


So where all have you been in your lifetime, my little friend," says the fifty?" "Well, I've been to ...

the Methodist Church,
the Baptist Church,
the Episcopal Church,
the Presbyterian Church,
the Church of God,
the Lutheran Church,
the Catholic Church,
the Orthodox Church,
the Assembly of God Church,
the Brethren In Christ Church,
the Quaker Church ,
the Pentecostal Church,
the Charismatic Church,
the Mennonite Church,
the United Church of Christ,
the Church of Christ ..."

"Excuse me," says the fifty, "but what's a Church"?

How Japanese Take Pictures