How To Kill A Lion

Cognizant Method:

• hire a lion...
• ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
• give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.
• hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
• give them same gobi 65 to eat
• hire 200 more....... and more .......

TCS method:

• hire a lion
• give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary
• lion dies of hunger and frustration

Kanbay Method:

• Hire a Cat; give him a salary of a Lion...
• Give him work of 3 Lions
• Tell him to work late and even on weekends...
• No time for food and family, automatically die

Infy method:

• hire a lion and ask him to meow like a cat ..
• he will die eventually of frustration...

IBM's metbod:

• hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour ...
• he dies of unemployment...

Syntel Method:-

• Hire a Cat ...
• assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and make sure that he never reaches onsite.
• Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....

MBT method:

• hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score > 60% he will lose the job.
• lion dies of the strain?

i-Flex method:

• hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari for implementing flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes alive he will get band movement (promotion)
• holy cow dies in fear of the real lion

COSL Method:

• hire a lion ..
• tell him to merge with Goats (polaris) and reduce his allowance...
• lion dies from fear that tommorrow he might become a goat....

Polaris Method :

• hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ...
• change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM )
• cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
• lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....

Silverline Method:

• hire a lion, declare a scandal and dont pay him...
• he dies of hunger...

Quinnox method:

• hire the lion. either give him no work or ask for a premature delivery.
• Lion either dies of boredom or intense physical & mental activity...

Patni method:

• hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
• the lion dies before joining....

Nucsoft method:

• hire a lion,give him job of grass eating (IBBS Support)..
• the lion dies from lack of eating meat...

Satyam method:

• hire a lion, give him net access..
• no work..
• and deport him to Chennai centre...
• no water..
• no electricity..
• no hindi speaking ppl...
• lion dies in oblivion......

Wipro method:

• hire a lion...
• give him lots of work...
• transfer him to Wipro Lights division..
• lion dies due to Lightness...

Mastek method:

• hire a lion...
• ask him to align himself with anything and everything...
• ask him to fill complicated competency forms...
• differ increments and pay him salary of a cat...
• lion dies due to fear of getting mis-aligned or starvation...

Caritor Method:

• hire a lion...
• ask him to stay at work..
• give him vegetables to eat...
• hire 10 more lions
• give them vegetables to eat
• hire 20 more

Mom's Dictionary

AIRPLANE : What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN : What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE : Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY : 1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM : A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE : Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST : Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET : Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.

CHINA : Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

COOK : 1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
2. Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO : What Mom finds on the sofa during Dallas Cowboy games.

DATE : Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

DRINKING GLASS : Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUST : Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.

EAT : What kids do between meals, but not at them.

ENERGY : Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.

EYE : The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.

FABLE : A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FOOD : The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"

GARBAGE : A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.

GENIUSES : Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GUM : Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER : A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES : Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

HOMEMADE BREAD : An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.

INSIDE : That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO" : Reason enough, according to Mom.

KETCHUP : The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.

KISS : Mom medicine.

LAKE : Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.

MAYBE : No.

MILK : A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

OCEAN : What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN : The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.

One Dollar Bill vs. Fifty Dollar Bill

A torn and ragged one-dollar bill discovered that it was about to be retired from circulation.

As it slowly moved along the conveyor belt to the shredder, it became acquainted and struck up a conversation with a fifty-dollar bill that was meeting the same fate.



The fifty began reminiscing about its travels all over the country. Life has been good," the fifty exclaimed. "Why, I've been to Las Vegas, the finest restaurants in New York, political fund raisers, and just returned from a cruise on the Caribbean."


Gee," said the one-dollar bill, "you're fortunate to have been able to visit all those places."


So where all have you been in your lifetime, my little friend," says the fifty?" "Well, I've been to ...

the Methodist Church,
the Baptist Church,
the Episcopal Church,
the Presbyterian Church,
the Church of God,
the Lutheran Church,
the Catholic Church,
the Orthodox Church,
the Assembly of God Church,
the Brethren In Christ Church,
the Quaker Church ,
the Pentecostal Church,
the Charismatic Church,
the Mennonite Church,
the United Church of Christ,
the Church of Christ ..."

"Excuse me," says the fifty, "but what's a Church"?

How Japanese Take Pictures

6 weeks , 6 months, 6 years

Dating process:
6 weeks : I love U, I love U, I love U.
6 months : Of course I love U.
6 years : GOD, if I didn't love U, then why the hell did I propose?

Back from Work:
6 weeks : Honey, I'm home.
6 months : BACK!!
6 years : What did your mom cook for us today??

Gifts:
6 weeks : Honey, I really hope you liked the ring.
6 months : I bought you a painting; it would fit the motif in the living room.
6 years : Here's the money. Buy yourself something.

Phone Ringing:
6 weeks : Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months : Here, for you.
6 years : PHONE RINGING.

Cooking:
6 weeks : I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months : What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years : AGAIN!!!!

Apology:
6 weeks : Honey muffin, don't you worry, Ill never hold this against you.
6 months : Watch out! Don't do it again.
6 years : What's not to understand about what I just said??

New Dress:
6 weeks : Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months : You bought a new dress again???
6 years : How much did THAT cost me?

Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks : How do 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you please sound??
6 months : What's so bad about going to Istanbul on a charter plane?
6 years : Travel? What's so bad about staying home???

TV:
6 weeks : Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months : I like this movie.
6 years : I'm going to watch ESPN, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself

Women Drivers!!!

New Seat Belt Rules

Types of Girls

HARD DISK GIRLS:

she remembers everything, FOREVER

RAM GIRLS:

she forget about you, the moment turn her off

WINDOW GIRLS:

everyone know that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live

without her.

SCREENSAVER GIRLS:

She is good for nothing but at least she is fun

INTERNET GIRLS:

Difficult to access

SERVER GIRLS:

Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA GIRLS:

She make horrible thing look beautiful

CD-ROM GIRLS:

She is always faster and faster.

EMAIL GIRLS:

Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .

In-Flight Humor

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"Welcome to Las Vegas, Nevada. We'd like to thank you for flying Southwest Airlines, and on behalf of the flight deck we'd also like to extend a very special and very happy 101st Birthday to a gentleman seated near the front of the aircraft." "So... if you happen to see the Captain on the way out, mind his walker, shake his hand, and wish him well with another 100 years working here at Southwest Airlines."

"Please use caution when opening the overhead compartments as shift happens!"

"From a Southwest Airlines employee: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more
than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?"

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

25 Useless Facts

1. Saturday mail delivery in Canada was eliminated by Canada Post on February 1, 1969!
2. Should there be a crash, Prince Charles and Prince William, never travel on the same airplane as a precaution!
3. The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache on a standard playing card!
4. Every day 20 banks are robbed. The average take is $2,500!
5. The most popular first name in the world is Muhammad!
6. The names of Popeye's four nephews are Pipeye, Peepeye, Pupeye and Poopeye!
7. When glass breaks, the cracks move faster than 3,000 miles per hour. To photograph the event, a camera must shoot at a millionth of a second!
8. A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood!
9. Almost half the newspapers in the world are published in the United States and Canada!
10. During your lifetime, you'll eat about 60,000 pounds of food, that's the weight of about 6 elephants!
11. Dolphins sleep with one eye open!
12. The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old!
13. About 3000 years ago, most Egyptians died by the time they were 30!
14. In the White House, there are 13,092 knives, forks and spoons!
15. Dogs and cats consume over $11 billion worth of pet food a year!
16. In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter."!
17. A fetus develops fingerprints at eighteen weeks!
18. There are approximately fifty Bibles sold each minute across the world!
19. An earthquake on Dec. 16, 1811 caused parts of the Mississippi River to flow backwards!
20. A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day!
21. Honolulu is the only place in the United States that has a royal palace!
22. Rice paper does not have any rice in it!
23. In Corpus Christie, Texas, it is illegal to raise alligators in your home.
24. Owls are one of the only birds who can see the color blue!
25. The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. It was the fashion in Renaissance Florence to shave them off!
    

Generation--X