Friday, April 21, 2006

Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsight- ly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Marriage Invitation

You are electronically invited on the marriage occasion of
Mr. TRANSISTOR BC107,
(working as amplifier in "CE" configuration)
With
Miss. DIODE 2N2222,
(working as a rectifier in Electronic Circuits)
The only Daughter of Mr & Mrs. Aluminium and Phosphorous
MUHURTAM March 30, 2K6 @ 10-45 Amplitude Modulation

VENUE At Peizo Electric Palace, Near Wein Bridge, Nyquist criterion Road-2,
Electricity -508085.
Yours inductively
Mr&Mrs. EDC PDC,
Near P-N Junction,
IC Road, Zener breakdown.

With BEST COMPLIMENTS FROM,
Inductor,
Resistor, Capacitor, Transformer Near & Dear
Note: Musical N
ight By Motors and Generators

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

What Teachers Really Mean

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Weird Questions Asked To Librarians

* "Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?"

* "Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!

* "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

* "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

* "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

* "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

* "I need a photocopy of Abraham Lincoln's birth certificate."

* "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

* "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Its a Bad Day

You know it's going to be a BAD DAY when...

* You wake up face down on the pavement.

* You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.

* You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.

* Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.

* You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

* The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

* Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

* You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.

* Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

* Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.

* Your pet rock snaps at you.

* Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

* You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.

* Your income tax refund check bounces.

* Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

New Age Medicine for New Age Women

BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?”

ST. MOM’S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!