Signs You Are Getting Old

• You got cable for the Weather Channel
• If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
• When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and you can't get it back around.
• Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
• Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
• Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Things We Take 50 Years To Learn

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe
daylight-saving time.
3. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
4. The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about
your birthday. That time is: age 11.
7. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
8. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours
with them.
9. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
10. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
11. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and he decides
to deliver a message to humanity, he will NOT use as his messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle or in some cases, really bad make-up too.
12. You should not confuse your career with your life.
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter/janitor, is not a nice person.
14. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
15. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
16. Your true friends love you, anyway.
17. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

1923

1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.


Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company. Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE. Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator. Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street. Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However:
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:
Screw work.
Play golf.

When Life Begins

* Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else is starting to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

* There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

* You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

* Middle age is when work is a lot less fun; and fun is a lot more work.

* Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Now isn't that a great time for a guy to get those kind of odds?

* You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

* Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

* Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

* A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

* You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

* You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

* You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before!

* The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

* It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

* When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

* You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.