Quotes from the Political Sector

* "I resent your insinuendoes."

* "No man is an Ireland."

* "If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."

* "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

* "If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

* "We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

* "Outside of the killings in Washington DC, we have one of the lowest crime rates in the nation."-- Marion Berry

* "Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."

* "To be demeanored like that is an exercise in fertility."

* "I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."

* "If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."

* "When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."

* "Let's do this in one foul swoop."

* "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."

* "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."

* "The average age of a 7-year-old in this state is 13."

* "We have a permanent plan for the time being."

* "Family planning has many misconceptions."

* "The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."

* "My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."

* "As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."

* "These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."

* "People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."

Lost in the Translation

• In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
• In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
• Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
• In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
• On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
• In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
• In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
• In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
• Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
• Sign in a hotel corridor in Istanbul: "Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises."
• In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
• At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
• Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."
• On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."
• In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin."
• In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take on of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages."
• In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."

English Subtitles in Hong Kong Films

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
19. This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the dessert flour for your aunts to eat.
20. Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough extermination.
21. Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feet on some ass of the giant lizard person.

Bizarre T-Shirt Sayings

* (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won

* My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips

* I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do

* (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah

* Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount

* Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog

* I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now

* I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian

* Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money

* IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be

* Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.

* If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

Business Quotes

Accomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your regular duties.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.

Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.

By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. (Robert Frost)

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas are lured and then quietly strangled. (Sir Barnett Cocks)

Doing nothing is tiring because you can't stop to rest.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence. (Dr. Lawrence J. Peter - The Peter Principle)

The first thing a new employee should do on the job is learn to recognize his boss' voice on the phone. (Martin Buxbaum)

Go the extra mile--It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

The Golden Rule of Bureaucracy: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.

Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

If we knew what we were doing it wouldn't be called research.

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided. (Casey Stengal)

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

A memorandum is not written to inform the reader but to protect the writer. (Dean Acheson)

Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time!

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years.

What Not To Say To A Cop

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't on.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been going 125 mph just to keep up with me!
5. I thought you had to be in good physical condition to be a cop.
6. Bad cop! No donut!
7. You're gonna check the trunk, aren't you?
8. I was going to be a cop, really, but I decided to finish high school instead.
9. I pay your salary.
10. That's terrific, the last guy only gave me a warning also.
11. Is that a 9mm? It's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!
12. What do you mean, have I been drinking? You're a trained specialist?
13. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
14. That gut doesn't inspire too much confidence; bet I can outrun you.
15. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
16. Is it true people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic.
18. Yes, I know there are no other cars around--That's how far they are ahead of me.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

Actual Headlines

"Crack Found on Governor's Daughter"
"Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash"
"Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers"
"Iraqi Head Seeks Arms"
"Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?"
"Prostitutes Appeal to Pope"
"Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over"
"Teacher Strikes Idle Kids"
"Miners Refuse to Work after Death"
"Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"
"War Dims Hope for Peace"
"If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile"
"Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures"
"Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide"
"Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"
"Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"
"Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge"
"New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"
"Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"
"Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy"
"Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half"
"Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"

Ultimate Bulletin Bloopers

* I truly believe we have a loving family that many others want to be a part of and when they hear about it, they will run.

* One of the ways we will accomplish this is by being good stewards with our time, talents, and our honey.

* "Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on 'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present."

* "The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished."

* "The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump."

* We still need members to sign up for the Spring choir. We'd like to be able to fill up the fourth crow in the Choir loft.

* Be watching for our new Educatinal Program.

* Teresa is scheduled for tests next month. Her stomach has been hurting after eating for weeks now.

* This week's sermon- The Evils of Gossip. Opening Hymn - I Love to Tell The Story.

* Our Women on Mission will meet Monday at 10:00 a.m. Childcare will be prohibited.

The Worst Analogies Ever

The Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

Things I'd Like to Hear, Just Once

From my auto mechanic:

• "That part is much less expensive than I thought."
• "I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
• "You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
• "It was just a loose wire. No charge."

From my son's preschool teacher:

• "Everyone misbehaved today except Michael."
• "Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks."
• "I wish we had 20 Michaels."

From a store clerk:

• "The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper."
• "I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers."
• "We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer."

From my doctor:

• "Of course I'll come by your house to check on you."
• "Give me a call at home over the weekend if you're not feeling better."
• "Sure, come on by this afternoon, we'll work you in."
• "I'll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test."
• "Here, take these samples."
• "Don't worry about it, there's no charge for that."
• "I recommend you get a second opinion."

From a contractor:

• "Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
• "I think I came in a little high on that estimate."

From my dentist:

• "I think you're flossing too much."
• "I won't ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."

From a restaurant server:

• "I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it's Tim."
• "I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."

Funny Real-Life Resume Errors

"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."

"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."

"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."

"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."

"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"

Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"

Collection of famous quotes by Navjot Singh Sidhu

1. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.

2. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.

3. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

4. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was run out in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."

5. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.

6. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.

7. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!

8. He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!

9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world, which does not have wings!

10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.

11. The ball whizzes past like a bumble -bee and the Indians are in the sea.

12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin a haystack.

13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.

14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!

15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!

16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.

17. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.

18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goalkeeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.

19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.

20. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.

21. This quote was made after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain T&T "Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."

22. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.

23. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.

24. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.

25. The cat with gloves catches no mice.

26. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.

27. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.

28. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.

29. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.

30. Kumble's bowling at the moment is flat as a Dosa.