Saturday, November 11, 2006
Friday, October 20, 2006
New Computer Viruses
Beware of the following new computer viruses!
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
DOLLY PARTON VIRUS - It sounds pretty good, but you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.
FREUDIAN VIRUS - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
MAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.
MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.
MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS - It sucks the juice out of your system, but only affects laptops. Then, it emails everyone about what it did. This later activates the Independent Counsel virus.
PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
DOLLY PARTON VIRUS - It sounds pretty good, but you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.
FREUDIAN VIRUS - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.
MAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.
MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.
MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS - It sucks the juice out of your system, but only affects laptops. Then, it emails everyone about what it did. This later activates the Independent Counsel virus.
PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
1923
1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company. Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE. Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator. Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street. Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However:
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Screw work.
Play golf.
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company. Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE. Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator. Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street. Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However:
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:
Screw work.
Play golf.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Now that I'm older
Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
10. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
11. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
12. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
13. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
14. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
16. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
17. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
18. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
19. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
20. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE BLOGGED THIS OR NOT!
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7. If all is not lost, where is it?
8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
10. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
11. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
12. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
13. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
14. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
16. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
17. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.
18. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
19. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
20. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE BLOGGED THIS OR NOT!
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Ultimate Bulletin Bloopers
* I truly believe we have a loving family that many others want to be a part of and when they hear about it, they will run.
* One of the ways we will accomplish this is by being good stewards with our time, talents, and our honey.
* "Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on 'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present."
* "The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished."
* "The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump."
* We still need members to sign up for the Spring choir. We'd like to be able to fill up the fourth crow in the Choir loft.
* Be watching for our new Educatinal Program.
* Teresa is scheduled for tests next month. Her stomach has been hurting after eating for weeks now.
* This week's sermon- The Evils of Gossip. Opening Hymn - I Love to Tell The Story.
* Our Women on Mission will meet Monday at 10:00 a.m. Childcare will be prohibited.
* One of the ways we will accomplish this is by being good stewards with our time, talents, and our honey.
* "Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on 'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present."
* "The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished."
* "The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump."
* We still need members to sign up for the Spring choir. We'd like to be able to fill up the fourth crow in the Choir loft.
* Be watching for our new Educatinal Program.
* Teresa is scheduled for tests next month. Her stomach has been hurting after eating for weeks now.
* This week's sermon- The Evils of Gossip. Opening Hymn - I Love to Tell The Story.
* Our Women on Mission will meet Monday at 10:00 a.m. Childcare will be prohibited.
The Worst Analogies Ever
The Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
Vocabulary Lesson for New Parents
BOTTLE FEEDING An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.
DEFENSE What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT! What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OW The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
THUNDERSTORM A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
WHODUNIT None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
DEFENSE What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.
DROOLING How teething babies wash their chins.
DUMBWAITER One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
LOOK OUT! What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
OW The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
STOREROOM The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
THUNDERSTORM A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.
TOP BUNK Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
WHODUNIT None of the kids that live in your house.
WHOOPS An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."
How to Write Good
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
Employ the vernacular.
Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
Contractions aren't necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
Be more or less specific.
Understatement is always best.
One-word sentences? Eliminate.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
The passive voice is to be avoided.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Monday, October 09, 2006
Things I'd Like to Hear, Just Once
From my auto mechanic:
From my son's preschool teacher:
From a store clerk:
From my doctor:
From a contractor:
From my dentist:
From a restaurant server:
- "That part is much less expensive than I thought."
- "I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
- "You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
- "It was just a loose wire. No charge."
From my son's preschool teacher:
- "Everyone misbehaved today except Michael."
- "Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks."
- "I wish we had 20 Michaels."
From a store clerk:
- "The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper."
- "I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers."
- "We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer."
From my doctor:
- "Of course I'll come by your house to check on you."
- "Give me a call at home over the weekend if you're not feeling better."
- "Sure, come on by this afternoon, we'll work you in."
- "I'll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test."
- "Here, take these samples."
- "Don't worry about it, there's no charge for that."
- "I recommend you get a second opinion."
From a contractor:
- "Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
- "I think I came in a little high on that estimate."
From my dentist:
- "I think you're flossing too much."
- "I won't ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."
From a restaurant server:
- "I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it's Tim."
- "I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."
Fun Things To Do
Fun Things To Do During A Final That You Know You Are Going To Fail
* Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
* If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols.
* Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
* On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
* Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
* Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
* Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
* Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
* Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
* After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
* Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
* Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
* If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols.
* Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
* On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
* Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
* Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
* Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
* Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
* Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
* After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
* Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
Funny Answers from Students on Music Exams
- The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called pre-Madonna.
- It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
- Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
- Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
- All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
- Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
- A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
- Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
- A harp is a nude piano.
- The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.
- An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
- The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
- Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.
- Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
- I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
- Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
- My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
- Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
- Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Great questions, greater answers
Not only our technical knowledge helps, but also the presence of mind and the right answer at right time.
Even if u don't know the answer for a question just confuse the questioner.
Question and the Answer given by Candidates...oh sorry...they are IAS Officers now.
Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)
Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)
Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)
Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.
Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )
Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this. "What comes first, Day or Night?"
> The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while andsaid, "It's the DAY sir!" "How" the interviewer asked, "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!" He was selected for IIM!
Even if u don't know the answer for a question just confuse the questioner.
Question and the Answer given by Candidates...oh sorry...they are IAS Officers now.
Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)
Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)
Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)
Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)
Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)
Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)
Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )
Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.
Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.
Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )
Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question. Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and said, "my choice is one really difficult question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this. "What comes first, Day or Night?"
> The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on the correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while andsaid, "It's the DAY sir!" "How" the interviewer asked, "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!" He was selected for IIM!
Friday, September 22, 2006
Laws of Cat Physics
Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the midsection of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him or her.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state when a cat is present.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the midsection of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him or her.
Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.
Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state when a cat is present.
Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
Laws on girls
1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that.
2. the nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...
4. "95% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 5% would always be around you...
5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed to some one else.
7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
8. Theory of relativity......
The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
9. Rule 1:
Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend.
2. the nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!!
3. The more the makeup, worse the looks...
4. "95% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 5% would always be around you...
5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother.
6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now ,when you are committed to some one else.
7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you.
8. Theory of relativity......
The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u...
9. Rule 1:
Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Great differences
If you don't have a sense of humour, please don't read any further.....
1) What is the difference between women and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.
2) Why do women always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...
3) What do women have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
4) If you drop a women and a brick out of a plane,which one would hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????.....
5) What did God say after he created woman?
(This ones THE BEST)
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created man.
6) What's the difference between an intelligent woman & a UFO ?
Answer:I don't know, I've never seen either.
7) What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
Answers: i) no mind ii) no business
8) What makes women chase men when they have no intention of marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles when they have no intention of driving.
1) What is the difference between women and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.
2) Why do women always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are...
3) What do women have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
4) If you drop a women and a brick out of a plane,which one would hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????.....
5) What did God say after he created woman?
(This ones THE BEST)
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created man.
6) What's the difference between an intelligent woman & a UFO ?
Answer:I don't know, I've never seen either.
7) What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
Answers: i) no mind ii) no business
8) What makes women chase men when they have no intention of marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles when they have no intention of driving.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Withdrawing Cash
How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM.
1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away
How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release handbrake
1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away
How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1/2 mile
24. Release handbrake
If Movies Were Released by Microsoft
...this is what would have resulted:
* Munna Bhai MCSE
* Kal MSN Ho Na Ho
* Love in mIRC
* ID Mil Gaya
* Chat To Kero
* Ek Programmer Thi
* Yeh Hack Horaha Hai
* Hum Pyar PC Se Kar Baithe
* Network Ke Us Paar
* Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai
* Aao Chat Kare
* C++ Wale Job Le Jayenge
* Programmer No.1
* Mera Naam Developer
* Hum Apke Memory Mein Rahate Hein
* Do Processor, Baarah Terminal
* Tera Code Chal Gaya
* Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
* Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehtha Hai
* Raju Ban Gaya MCSD
* Client Ek Numbari, C ++Programmer Dus Numbari
* Login Karo Sajana
* Naukar PC Ka
* 1942 -- A Bug Story
* Kaho Na Virus Hai
* Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai
* Shaheed Hacker Singh
* Password De Ke Dekho
* Terminal Apna , Login Parayi
* Mr. Network Lal
* Terminal Sajaake Rakhna
* Munna Bhai MCSE
* Kal MSN Ho Na Ho
* Love in mIRC
* ID Mil Gaya
* Chat To Kero
* Ek Programmer Thi
* Yeh Hack Horaha Hai
* Hum Pyar PC Se Kar Baithe
* Network Ke Us Paar
* Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai
* Aao Chat Kare
* C++ Wale Job Le Jayenge
* Programmer No.1
* Mera Naam Developer
* Hum Apke Memory Mein Rahate Hein
* Do Processor, Baarah Terminal
* Tera Code Chal Gaya
* Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
* Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehtha Hai
* Raju Ban Gaya MCSD
* Client Ek Numbari, C ++Programmer Dus Numbari
* Login Karo Sajana
* Naukar PC Ka
* 1942 -- A Bug Story
* Kaho Na Virus Hai
* Haan Meine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai
* Shaheed Hacker Singh
* Password De Ke Dekho
* Terminal Apna , Login Parayi
* Mr. Network Lal
* Terminal Sajaake Rakhna
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes...
I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...
BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack....
BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook...
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...
BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...
BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.
END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control...And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious...I'd better get help...
BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail.
I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...
BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack....
BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes. Now where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook...
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water, I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...
BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...
BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.
END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control...And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious...I'd better get help...
BUT FIRST...I think I'll check my e-mail.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Top 10 Most Brilliant Marketing Mess Ups
1. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
2. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
3. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "manure stick."
4. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
5. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
7. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
8. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke-la", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko-le", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Funny Real-Life Resume Errors
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs...Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Customer Care in 2020
Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut . May I have your..."
Customer: "Hello, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"
Customer: [Faints]
Customer: "Hello, can I order.."
Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"
Customer: "It's eh..., hold..........on......889861356102049998-45-54610"
Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office 76452302 and your mobile is 0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"
Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?
Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"
Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."
Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"
Customer: "How come?"
Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"
Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"
Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"
Customer: "How do you know for sure?"
Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"
Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"
Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"
Customer: "Can I pay by! credit card?"
Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."
Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some cash before your guy arrives"
Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"
Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"
Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."
Customer: " What!"
Operator : "According to the details in system ,you own a Scooter,...registration number 1123..."
Customer: " ????"
Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"
Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"
Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic....... "
Customer: #$$^%&$@$% ^
Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...?"
Customer: [Faints]
Monday, September 04, 2006
Best Break-Up Letter Ever
A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his girlfriend back home.
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky..............
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love,
Becky..............
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Some Computer Humor
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
>>>>>-------- The information went data way -------->
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
C:> Bad, bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
C:> File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Who's General Failure, & why's he reading my disk?
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down.
To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
My computer isn't that nervous. It's just a bit ANSI.
>>>>>-------- The information went data way -------->
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
C:> Bad, bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner!
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
C:> File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
Who's General Failure, & why's he reading my disk?
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
THINK -- it gives you something to do while the computer is down.
To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.
Friday, September 01, 2006
Rules For Chocolate
- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
- Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
- The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
- Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
- A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
- If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
- But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
- If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
- If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
- Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
- If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
- Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
When Life Begins
* Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else is starting to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
* There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
* You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
* Middle age is when work is a lot less fun; and fun is a lot more work.
* Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Now isn't that a great time for a guy to get those kind of odds?
* You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
* Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
* Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
* A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
* You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
* You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
* You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before!
* The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
* It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
* When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
* You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
* There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
* You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
* Middle age is when work is a lot less fun; and fun is a lot more work.
* Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Now isn't that a great time for a guy to get those kind of odds?
* You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
* Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
* Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
* A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
* You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
* You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
* You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before!
* The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
* It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
* When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
* You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Collection of famous quotes by Navjot Singh Sidhu
1. That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.
2. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.
3. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
4. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was run out in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."
5. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.
6. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
7. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!
8. He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!
9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world, which does not have wings!
10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.
11. The ball whizzes past like a bumble -bee and the Indians are in the sea.
12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin a haystack.
13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.
14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!
15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!
16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.
17. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.
18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goalkeeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.
19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
20. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.
21. This quote was made after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain T&T "Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."
22. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.
23. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
24. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
25. The cat with gloves catches no mice.
26. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
27. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
28. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
29. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.
30. Kumble's bowling at the moment is flat as a Dosa.
2. There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.
3. Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
4. This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was run out in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."
5. Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.
6. Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
7. Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!
8. He is like Indian three-wheeler, which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!
9. The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world, which does not have wings!
10. As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.
11. The ball whizzes past like a bumble -bee and the Indians are in the sea.
12. The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin a haystack.
13. The pitch is as dead as a dodo.
14. Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!
15. The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!
16. Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.
17. You cannot make Omelets without breaking the eggs.
18. Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goalkeeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.
19. He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
20. One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.
21. This quote was made after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain T&T "Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."
22. Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.
23. Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
24. You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
25. The cat with gloves catches no mice.
26. Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
27. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
28. He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
29. The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reason.
30. Kumble's bowling at the moment is flat as a Dosa.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Why aren't you married
Comebacks to the age old question - "Why aren't you married yet?"
- You haven't asked yet.
- I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
- What? And spoil my great life?
- Because I just love hearing this question.
- It gives my mother something to live for.
- My fiance is awaiting parole.
- I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss America.
- I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
- It didn't seem worth a blood test.
- I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
- I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
- What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
- I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
- Why aren't you thin?
- I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Customer's Guide To Supermarket Shopping
1. When in the express lane, make sure that all items are rung up and bagged before you start looking for your checkbook. Then, after you make a futile search for your pen, borrow one from the clerk and make sure your checkbook is balanced before giving up the check.
2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!
3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!
4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.
5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed. Get it right. If you're not sure just say, "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.
6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.
7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt. Don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.
9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life.
10. Don't forget rule NO. 8
11. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.
12. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite, but you don't have to.
13. When the store is not busy and there is only one check stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.
14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.
2. Never get into the 10-Items-or-Less line with less than 12 items. IT'S THE LAW!!!
3. When in the 10-Items-or-Less line and you have your 12 to 20 items, always ask the clerk if it's okay. That way, if he says "yes," then the people behind you will get mad at HIM, not you. If he says "no," then YOU can get mad at him. Either way, you win!
4. Save all your pennies and dump them in the bottom of your purse so that when you are in the express lane you won't be embarrassed by spending all that time looking for one and not finding any.
5. When asked if you want paper or plastic, take all the time you need to make the right decision. Don't be rushed. Get it right. If you're not sure just say, "BAG." That way they will have to ask you again, giving you more time to decide. You may want to practice this at home in case you are ever asked this question at a grocery store.
6. Always, and I repeat, ALWAYS tell the checker your reason for choosing paper or plastic. Checkers by nature are very curious and if you should fail to give them your reason for choosing paper over plastic, the clerk is liable to lie awake at night wondering why you didn't choose plastic.
7. Always keep this in mind: If something is heavy and you don't want to lift it out of the basket and put it on the belt. Don't fret whether the checker will automatically know the price. After all, everyone knows how smart those clerks are.
8. Since everyone knows how ignorant those clerks are, you must always remember to tell them to not put the eggs and bread in the bottom of the bag.
9. Feel free to ask your clerk anything you may want to know. All checkers are experts on how to prepare whatever meal you should decide to make that night. They can give you precise directions to anywhere in the state you might want to go. They can tell you the best restaurant around, the kind of wine you will like best or anything else you may need to know about life.
10. Don't forget rule NO. 8
11. After waiting in the checkout line for several minutes and it's finally your turn at the counter, be sure to tell the clerk that more help is needed. He will certainly ensure that there is plenty of help next time.
12. When the clerk greets you and asks how you're doing, don't feel pressured into answering him. After all the clerk has to be polite, but you don't have to.
13. When the store is not busy and there is only one check stand with a light on, be sure to ask the nearest clerk which check stand is open. You don't want to take a chance being tricked into the wrong one.
14. If the clerk asks you if you know the price of an item and you don't, tell him it's "2-something" or "3-something." The clerks love that because they don't get to use their SOMETHING keys very often.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Advice For Scary Situations (From Horror Movies)
* When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead.
* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
* When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.
* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely rambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
* If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to 'help' them - they will eat you.
* Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body.
* Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with a "flair" (a knife,
a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts...)
* Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead.
* If you are a female, never show your breasts. Easy women die fast.
* Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.
* If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say "Tom... Tom is that you?" and Tom does not answer, run away.
* If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car the monster will be in it.
* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
* When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it alone.
* Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
* If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
* If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely rambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
* If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.
* Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
* If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.
* If you see a town that looks deserted except for children, do not try to 'help' them - they will eat you.
* Do not allow crewmates back aboard the craft if and after you have found a hideous parasite attached to his/her body.
* Be forewarned that a gun is only good for ALMOST killing the monster, never for COMPLETELY killing it. Be sure to have an extra weapon, preferably one with a "flair" (a knife,
a harpoon, a heavy box, razor confetti, pop tarts...)
* Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or the voice of a dear relative whom you THOUGHT was dead.
* If you are a female, never show your breasts. Easy women die fast.
* Never camp or build homes on Indian burial grounds.
* If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, and you say "Tom... Tom is that you?" and Tom does not answer, run away.
* If you have to run away, taking a bus is your best bet. If you take a car the monster will be in it.
Why Dogs Can't Use Computers
#10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
#9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
#8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
#7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
#6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
#5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
#4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".
#3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
#2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
#1. He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.
#9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
#8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
#7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
#6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
#5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
#4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".
#3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
#2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
#1. He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.
Funny Sniglets
Alfred Hitchcooking - the act of stabbing the frozen peas to get them to cook faster.
an udder failure - a cow that doesn't give milk
bawlroom - a hospital nursery
Bruise Lee - an inept martial-arts student
chirpes - a canarial disease, no tweetment
cinemuck - popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters
fobia - the fear of misspelled words
genderplex - trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use
giraffiti - vandalous spray-painting really high up
lullabouy - an idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep
mallennium - a thousand years of shopping
Planned Parrothood - charitable foundation whose purpose is domestic breeding of macaws and cockatoos
sarchasm - the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it
snackmosphere - the 95% air inside bags of potato chips
Snack Trek - the peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized
weelief - the feeling one gets upon spotting a rest stop on the interstate
an udder failure - a cow that doesn't give milk
bawlroom - a hospital nursery
Bruise Lee - an inept martial-arts student
chirpes - a canarial disease, no tweetment
cinemuck - popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters
fobia - the fear of misspelled words
genderplex - trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use
giraffiti - vandalous spray-painting really high up
lullabouy - an idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep
mallennium - a thousand years of shopping
Planned Parrothood - charitable foundation whose purpose is domestic breeding of macaws and cockatoos
sarchasm - the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it
snackmosphere - the 95% air inside bags of potato chips
Snack Trek - the peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized
weelief - the feeling one gets upon spotting a rest stop on the interstate
Monday, August 14, 2006
Actual Travel Agent Stories
From a former Washington, D.C. travel agent of over 30 years
* A New Hampshire Congresswoman called to ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
* A Candidate's Staffer called, wanting to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa." Her response? Click.
* A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
* A Lawmaker's wife asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
* A Bush cabinet member's aide called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we want the car so we can drive between gates to save time."
* An Illinois Congresswoman wanted to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast. She bought it!
* A New York lawmaker asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said "FAT." I'm overweight and I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold so I could "look into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back to her and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is "FAT," and that the label was only a destination tag.
* A Senator's aide inquired about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
* A freshman Congressman called from the airport to ask, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly did he mean. He replied, "You told me my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
* A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked her if she meant "fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane"? She said, "Yeah, whatever!"
* A senior Senator had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had one." I double-checked and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times. Every time they've accepted my American Express!"
* A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" she replied. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent pulled out a map of New York state and finally asked, "You don't mean 'Buffalo,' do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
* I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted, "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"
* A New Hampshire Congresswoman called to ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
* A Candidate's Staffer called, wanting to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information then she interrupted me with, "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa." Her response? Click.
* A Senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map, and Florida is a very thin state!"
* A Lawmaker's wife asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
* A Bush cabinet member's aide called and asked if they could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed they had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we want the car so we can drive between gates to save time."
* An Illinois Congresswoman wanted to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went very fast. She bought it!
* A New York lawmaker asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said "FAT." I'm overweight and I think that's very rude!" After putting her on hold so I could "look into it" (I was actually laughing), I came back to her and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is "FAT," and that the label was only a destination tag.
* A Senator's aide inquired about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
* A freshman Congressman called from the airport to ask, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly did he mean. He replied, "You told me my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."
* A lady Senator called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?" I asked her if she meant "fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane"? She said, "Yeah, whatever!"
* A senior Senator had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had one." I double-checked and, sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times. Every time they've accepted my American Express!"
* A New Mexico Congresswoman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" she replied. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent pulled out a map of New York state and finally asked, "You don't mean 'Buffalo,' do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
* I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted, "I know it is real, I see people check in every week!"
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
New Office Work Rules
1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.
4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order, for instance, those with last names beginning with "A" will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes around again.
6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
8. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9.
2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.
4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order, for instance, those with last names beginning with "A" will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes around again.
6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
8. ADVICE FROM OWNER: Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
9. THE BOSS IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
10. WHEN THE BOSS IS WRONG, REFER TO RULE 9.
Random Humor
Polynesia: memory loss in parrots.
Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
A good pun is its own reword.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
To err is human, to moo bovine.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
A good pun is its own reword.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure..
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
To err is human, to moo bovine.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Did You Ever Wonder
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A pool table.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb? She says, "Daddy, I want new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor? A pachydermatologist.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, would kill you? A pool table.
What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Lost in the Translation
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
Sign in a hotel corridor in Istanbul: "Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises."
In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."
In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin."
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take on of our horsedriven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages."
In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it."
In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: "English well talking." "Here speeching American."
Sign in a hotel corridor in Istanbul: "Please to evacuate in hall especially which is accompanied by rude noises."
In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: "Stop: Drive Sideways."
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: "To stop the drip, turn cock to right."
In the window of a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin."
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take on of our horsedriven city tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages."
In a Vienna hotel: "In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Cowboy Wisdom
There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' t'backer.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' t'backer.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Funny Windows Messages for 2006
1.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16.User Error: Replace user.
17.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
2.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
3.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
4.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
5.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
6.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
7.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
9.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
12.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
13.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
14.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
15.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
16.User Error: Replace user.
17.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
18.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
You Might Be An Engineer If...
.. Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or upgrading your RAM is a moral dilemma.
.. You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
.. In college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
.. The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
.. At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
.. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
.. You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
.. You see a good design and still have to change it.
.. You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
.. You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
.. You window shop at Radio Shack.
.. Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
.. Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
.. You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
.. You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room.
.. In college you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.
.. The sales people at the local computer store can't answer any of your questions.
.. At an air show you know how fast the skydivers are falling.
.. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
.. You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.
.. You see a good design and still have to change it.
.. You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
.. You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.
.. You window shop at Radio Shack.
.. Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
.. Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
.. You've tried to repair a $5 radio.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Really, Really Bad Traffic
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off...even then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You don't even have to brush your teeth anymore. Just get in rush hour traffic, smile, and let someone else's windshield wipers do all the work.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
* Remember the good old days when traffic used to be bumper to bumper? Now it's windshield wiper to windshield wiper.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is anti-perspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print roadmaps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off...even then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You don't even have to brush your teeth anymore. Just get in rush hour traffic, smile, and let someone else's windshield wipers do all the work.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
* Remember the good old days when traffic used to be bumper to bumper? Now it's windshield wiper to windshield wiper.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Notes For The Milkman
* "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
* "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."
* "Cancel one pint after the day after today."
* "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it."
* "Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."
* "Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today."
* "Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole."
* "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
* "Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."
* "When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
* "Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."
* "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
* "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."
* "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
* "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
* "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight."
* "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday."
* "When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
* "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
* "Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."
* "Cancel one pint after the day after today."
* "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it."
* "Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."
* "Milkman. please could I have a loaf but not bread today."
* "Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on the dole."
* "Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
* "Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."
* "When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you 'to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
* "Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."
* "My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."
* "Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."
* "Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
* "From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
* "My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to play bingo tonight."
* "Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday."
* "When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
* "No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."
Saturday, July 01, 2006
27 Worst Family Feud Answers Ever
Question: Name a former President that most people would say is honest.
#1 Answer: Lincoln
Worst Answers: Nixon
Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins with the word San.
#1 Answer: San Diego
Worst Answer: Seattle
Question: Name a slang term used for important people.
#1 Answer: V.I.P.
Worst Answer: Buddy
Question: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing out.
#1 Answer: Photos
Worst Answer: Corn
Question: Name something that might annoy a gardener.
#1 Answer: Bugs
Worst Answer: Not getting paid on time
Question: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.
#1 Answer: Anniversary
Worst Answer: Happy divorce
Question: Name a term used in football.
#1 Answer: Touchdown
Worst Answer: Fastbreak
Question: Name a special request people ask for when making a dinner reservation.
#1 Answer: Non-smoking
Worst Answer: A menu
Question: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call from.
#1 Answer: The police
Worst Answer: Your son
Question: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.
#1 Answer: Mozart
Worst Answer: Julio Inglesias
Question: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot of when you're sick.
#1 Answer: Water
Worst Answer: Alcohol
Question: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of your nose.
#1 Answer: Pimple
Worst Answers: Lint
Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.
#1 Answer: High heels
Worst Answer: Scuba flippers
Louie Anderson's Response: If it's up there... I'll be suprised.
Question: Name something a person wouldn't want living in their house.
#1 Answer: Relatives
Worst Answer: Mold
Question: Name a musician who goes by one name.
#1 Answer: Madonna
Worst Answer: Reba McIntyre
Louie Anderson's Response: Show me the strike.
Question: Name something you'd buy for more than a thousand dollars.
#1 Answer: House
Worst Answer: Pleasure equipment
Louie Anderson's Response: I'm afraid to ask what that means.
Question: Name something you think would be difficult about being a waiter.
#1 Answer: Taking orders
Worst Answer: Falling down
Question: Name something a woman would find in her boyfriend's apartment that would make her think he was cheating.
#1 Answer: Bra
Worst Answer: Used condom
Question: Name something a teenage boy can do for hours at a time.
#1 Answer: Video games
Worst Answer: Masturbate
Louie Anderson's Response: I knew somebody would say it.
Question: Name a unit of currency used in a country other than the US.
#1 Answer: Peso
Worst Answer: Ampere
Question: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss her boyfriend.
#1 Answer: Bad breath
Worst Answers: She doesn't love him that much
Question: Name something you do in front of your husband that you probably never did when you were dating.
#1 Answer: Undress
Worst Answer: Make out
Louie Anderson's Response: With somebody else?
Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza that was just delivered.
#1 Answer: It's cold
Worst Answers: It went to the wrong address
Louie Anderson's Response: And you just happened to be there.
Question: Name an animal many people are scared of.
#1 Answer: Snake
Worst Answer: Boar
Louie Anderson's Response: It's terrifying.
Question: Name something you need to play Scrabble.
#1 Answer: Letters
Worst Answer: Dice
Louie Anderson's Response: Where did you learn to play Scrabble?
Question: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot of hair.
#1 Answer: 30
Worst Answer: 14
Question: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.
#1 Answer: June
Worst Answer: Summer
#1 Answer: Lincoln
Worst Answers: Nixon
Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins with the word San.
#1 Answer: San Diego
Worst Answer: Seattle
Question: Name a slang term used for important people.
#1 Answer: V.I.P.
Worst Answer: Buddy
Question: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing out.
#1 Answer: Photos
Worst Answer: Corn
Question: Name something that might annoy a gardener.
#1 Answer: Bugs
Worst Answer: Not getting paid on time
Question: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.
#1 Answer: Anniversary
Worst Answer: Happy divorce
Question: Name a term used in football.
#1 Answer: Touchdown
Worst Answer: Fastbreak
Question: Name a special request people ask for when making a dinner reservation.
#1 Answer: Non-smoking
Worst Answer: A menu
Question: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call from.
#1 Answer: The police
Worst Answer: Your son
Question: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.
#1 Answer: Mozart
Worst Answer: Julio Inglesias
Question: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot of when you're sick.
#1 Answer: Water
Worst Answer: Alcohol
Question: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of your nose.
#1 Answer: Pimple
Worst Answers: Lint
Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.
#1 Answer: High heels
Worst Answer: Scuba flippers
Louie Anderson's Response: If it's up there... I'll be suprised.
Question: Name something a person wouldn't want living in their house.
#1 Answer: Relatives
Worst Answer: Mold
Question: Name a musician who goes by one name.
#1 Answer: Madonna
Worst Answer: Reba McIntyre
Louie Anderson's Response: Show me the strike.
Question: Name something you'd buy for more than a thousand dollars.
#1 Answer: House
Worst Answer: Pleasure equipment
Louie Anderson's Response: I'm afraid to ask what that means.
Question: Name something you think would be difficult about being a waiter.
#1 Answer: Taking orders
Worst Answer: Falling down
Question: Name something a woman would find in her boyfriend's apartment that would make her think he was cheating.
#1 Answer: Bra
Worst Answer: Used condom
Question: Name something a teenage boy can do for hours at a time.
#1 Answer: Video games
Worst Answer: Masturbate
Louie Anderson's Response: I knew somebody would say it.
Question: Name a unit of currency used in a country other than the US.
#1 Answer: Peso
Worst Answer: Ampere
Question: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss her boyfriend.
#1 Answer: Bad breath
Worst Answers: She doesn't love him that much
Question: Name something you do in front of your husband that you probably never did when you were dating.
#1 Answer: Undress
Worst Answer: Make out
Louie Anderson's Response: With somebody else?
Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza that was just delivered.
#1 Answer: It's cold
Worst Answers: It went to the wrong address
Louie Anderson's Response: And you just happened to be there.
Question: Name an animal many people are scared of.
#1 Answer: Snake
Worst Answer: Boar
Louie Anderson's Response: It's terrifying.
Question: Name something you need to play Scrabble.
#1 Answer: Letters
Worst Answer: Dice
Louie Anderson's Response: Where did you learn to play Scrabble?
Question: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot of hair.
#1 Answer: 30
Worst Answer: 14
Question: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.
#1 Answer: June
Worst Answer: Summer
Friday, June 23, 2006
Really Important Stuff My Kids Have Taught Me
13. Picking your nose when no one else is looking is still picking your nose.
14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
15. Making your bed is a waste of time.
16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
18. If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.
19. Toads aren't ugly, they're just toads.
20. Don't pop someone else's bubble.
21. You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
22. If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you'll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.
23. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.
24. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.
25. Make your mother proud of you.
14. Just keep banging until someone opens the door.
15. Making your bed is a waste of time.
16. There is no good reason why clothes have to match.
17. Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to.
18. If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either.
19. Toads aren't ugly, they're just toads.
20. Don't pop someone else's bubble.
21. You work so hard peddling up the hill that you hate to brake on the way down.
22. If you stand on tiptoe to be measured this year, you'll have to stand on tiptoe for the rest of your life.
23. You can't ask to start over just because you're losing the game.
24. Chasing the cat is more fun than catching it.
25. Make your mother proud of you.
Friday, June 16, 2006
How Not To Commit A Bank Robbery
Here are some easy lessons gleaned from the experiences of a number of would-be bank robbers.
Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.
Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.
Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.
Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
Pick The Right Bank:
You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
Study Your History:
Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.
Speak To The Right Teller:
One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
Don't Sign Your Demand Note:
Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's signature and account number.
Don't Advertise:
A teenage girl in Los Angeles tried to distract attention from her face by wearing a see-through blouse with no bra while holding up banks.
Go Easy On The Disguise:
One robber, dressed up as a woman with very heavy make-up, ran face first into a glass door. He was the first criminal ever to be positively identified by lip-print.
Take Right Turns Only:
Avoid the sad fate of the thieves in Florida who took a wrong turn into the Homestead Air Force Base, drove up to a military police guardhouse and, thinking it was a tollbooth, offered the security men money.
Be Aware Of The Time:
Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.
Consider Another Line Of Work:
Bank robbery is not for everyone. One nervous Newport, RI robber, while trying to stuff his ill-gotten gains into his shirt pocket, shot himself in the head and died instantly.
Be Strong:
Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.
Things That Never Happen in Star Trek
* The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered before.
* Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
* A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
* Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
* Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
* Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
* Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age.
* Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
* Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
* Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
* The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.
* Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
* A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, and some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
* Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
* Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
* Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
* Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age.
* Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
* Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
* Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...)
* The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.
Unnecessary Inventions
* Makeup That is Tattooed on:
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?
* Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.
* Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
* Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.
* Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.
* Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.
* The Epilady:
Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
* Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.
* Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.
* Thong underwear:
Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
* Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
You might love that green eyeliner now, but what about when you're fifty?
* Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.
* Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.
* Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.
* Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.
* Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.
* The Epilady:
Pulling hair out by the roots is masochistic.
* Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.
* Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.
* Thong underwear:
Nothing leads to insanity faster than a perpetual wedgie.
* Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Suggested Comebacks
Suggested comebacks to unsolicited, persistent telephone sales callers
* "I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later tonight."
* In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?"
* "Shhh. Wait a minute. I'm here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?"
* When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: "Yes, but I never allow him/her to talk to strangers."
* When someone asks how you are: "Well, I'm having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain . . ."
* "You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!"
* Another response to rug-cleaners or any person offering home services: (Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!"
* To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a minute?" (Leave the phone off the hook until he/she hangs up.)
** Use your touch-tone phone to annoy the caller by playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb":
6-5-4-5
6-6-6
5-5-5
6-6-6.
6-5-4-5
6-6-6-6
5-5-6-5
4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4
* "I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later tonight."
* In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?"
* "Shhh. Wait a minute. I'm here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?"
* When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: "Yes, but I never allow him/her to talk to strangers."
* When someone asks how you are: "Well, I'm having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain . . ."
* "You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!"
* Another response to rug-cleaners or any person offering home services: (Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!"
* To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a minute?" (Leave the phone off the hook until he/she hangs up.)
** Use your touch-tone phone to annoy the caller by playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb":
6-5-4-5
6-6-6
5-5-5
6-6-6.
6-5-4-5
6-6-6-6
5-5-6-5
4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4
Monday, May 22, 2006
The Laws of Cartoon Physics
I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but, at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.
V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but, at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.
A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword
* Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
* If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
* Without geometry, life is pointless.
* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
* A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
* I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
* If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
* Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
* Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
* A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
* Without geometry, life is pointless.
* When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
* Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Scientific Phrases - What They Say and What They Mean
"It has long been known" - I didn't look up the original reference.
"A definite trend is evident" - These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" - An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" - The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown" - 1 This is the prettiest graph. 2 The best results are shown.
"These results will be in a subsequent report" - I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience" - Once.
"In case after case" - Twice.
"In a series of cases" - Thrice.
"It is believed that" - I think.
"It is generally believed that" - A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude" - Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis" - Rumor has it.
"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings" - A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data" - Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs" - 1 I don't understand it. 2 I need more grant money. 3 I can get at least one more paper out of this.
"After additional study by my colleagues" - They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" - Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study" - A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"Handled with extreme care during the experiments" - Not dropped on the floor.
"Presumably at longer times" - I didn't take the time to find out.
"This paper will omit a review of the more recent literature in favor of" - I don't know if anything has been written on this since my dissertation.
"Various authorities agree" - I overheard this in the hall.
"It was observed that" - One of my students noticed that...
"No discussion would be complete without reference to the contributions of" - I need another footnote on this page.
"This research has left many questions unanswered." - I didn't find anything of significance.
"This finding has not yet been incorporated into general theory" - Perhaps my next graduate student will make sense of it.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" - I quit.
"A definite trend is evident" - These data are practically meaningless.
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to the questions" - An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study" - The other results didn't make any sense.
"Typical results are shown" - 1 This is the prettiest graph. 2 The best results are shown.
"These results will be in a subsequent report" - I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.
"In my experience" - Once.
"In case after case" - Twice.
"In a series of cases" - Thrice.
"It is believed that" - I think.
"It is generally believed that" - A couple of others think so, too.
"Correct within an order of magnitude" - Wrong.
"According to statistical analysis" - Rumor has it.
"A statistically-oriented projection of the significance of these findings" - A wild guess.
"A careful analysis of obtainable data" - Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass iced tea.
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of this phenomenon occurs" - 1 I don't understand it. 2 I need more grant money. 3 I can get at least one more paper out of this.
"After additional study by my colleagues" - They don't understand it either.
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experiment and to Cindy Adams for valuable discussions" - Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.
"A highly significant area for exploratory study" - A totally useless topic selected by my committee.
"Handled with extreme care during the experiments" - Not dropped on the floor.
"Presumably at longer times" - I didn't take the time to find out.
"This paper will omit a review of the more recent literature in favor of" - I don't know if anything has been written on this since my dissertation.
"Various authorities agree" - I overheard this in the hall.
"It was observed that" - One of my students noticed that...
"No discussion would be complete without reference to the contributions of" - I need another footnote on this page.
"This research has left many questions unanswered." - I didn't find anything of significance.
"This finding has not yet been incorporated into general theory" - Perhaps my next graduate student will make sense of it.
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate further investigation in this field" - I quit.
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Whom To Marry?
Dont Marry AIRTEL girl ,
she will do magic on u.
Dont Marry BSNL girl ,
she has connections with all indians.
Dont Marry IDEA girl ,
she touches u tommrrow, not today.
Dont Marry RELAINCE girl ,
she takes u in her mutthi mein.
Marry only HUTCH girl ,
she follows u where ever u go.
she will do magic on u.
Dont Marry BSNL girl ,
she has connections with all indians.
Dont Marry IDEA girl ,
she touches u tommrrow, not today.
Dont Marry RELAINCE girl ,
she takes u in her mutthi mein.
Marry only HUTCH girl ,
she follows u where ever u go.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
You Know You're Getting Old When...
* Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
* You feel like it's the "morning after", but you didn't go anywhere the night before.
* You sit in a rocking chair but can't get it going.
* You bend over to tie your shoes and ask yourself, "Is there anything else I need to do while I'm down here?"
* You sit down to the breakfast table, and the snap, crackle, pop you hear isn't your breakfast cereal.
* People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
* Dialing long distance wears you out.
* Your little black book contains names ending only in "M.D."
* Your daughter takes you out to dinner, and the cashier takes one look and gives you both Senior discounts.
* You have as students the grandchildren of your former students.
* You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
* Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today."
* You're proud of your lawn mower.
* The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
* The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your glasses.
* You watch a pretty girl go by and your pacemaker makes the garage door open.
* You finally know all the answers, but no one asks you the questions!
* You feel like it's the "morning after", but you didn't go anywhere the night before.
* You sit in a rocking chair but can't get it going.
* You bend over to tie your shoes and ask yourself, "Is there anything else I need to do while I'm down here?"
* You sit down to the breakfast table, and the snap, crackle, pop you hear isn't your breakfast cereal.
* People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
* Dialing long distance wears you out.
* Your little black book contains names ending only in "M.D."
* Your daughter takes you out to dinner, and the cashier takes one look and gives you both Senior discounts.
* You have as students the grandchildren of your former students.
* You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
* Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 years ago today."
* You're proud of your lawn mower.
* The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
* The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your glasses.
* You watch a pretty girl go by and your pacemaker makes the garage door open.
* You finally know all the answers, but no one asks you the questions!
Friday, April 21, 2006
Rules of Housekeeping
1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsight- ly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.
3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.
4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"
5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.
6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.
7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsight- ly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."
8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."
9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had the heart to clean it..."
10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
Marriage Invitation
You are electronically invited on the marriage occasion of
Mr. TRANSISTOR BC107,
(working as amplifier in "CE" configuration)
With
Miss. DIODE 2N2222,
(working as a rectifier in Electronic Circuits)
The only Daughter of Mr & Mrs. Aluminium and Phosphorous
MUHURTAM March 30, 2K6 @ 10-45 Amplitude Modulation
VENUE At Peizo Electric Palace, Near Wein Bridge, Nyquist criterion Road-2,
Electricity -508085.
Yours inductively
Mr&Mrs. EDC PDC,
Near P-N Junction, IC Road, Zener breakdown.
With BEST COMPLIMENTS FROM,
Inductor, Resistor, Capacitor, Transformer Near & Dear
Note: Musical Night By Motors and Generators
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
What Teachers Really Mean
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).
(He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yacking).
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Weird Questions Asked To Librarians
* "Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?"
* "Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
* "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
* "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
* "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
* "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
* "I need a photocopy of Abraham Lincoln's birth certificate."
* "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
* "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
* "Where is the reference desk?" This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!
* "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
* "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
* "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
* "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
* "I need a photocopy of Abraham Lincoln's birth certificate."
* "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
* "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Its a Bad Day
You know it's going to be a BAD DAY when...
* You wake up face down on the pavement.
* You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
* You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.
* Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
* You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
* The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
* Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
* You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.
* Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
* Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
* Your pet rock snaps at you.
* Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
* You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
* Your income tax refund check bounces.
* Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
* You wake up face down on the pavement.
* You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.
* You turn on the morning news, and they're showing emergency routes out of your city.
* Your bar of Ivory soap sinks.
* You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
* The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
* Your horn gets stuck when you're following a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
* You get to work and there's a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your outer office.
* Your four-year-old wakes you up with the news that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
* Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.
* Your pet rock snaps at you.
* Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
* You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke, and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.
* Your income tax refund check bounces.
* Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.
* Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
New Age Medicine for New Age Women
BUYAGRA: Stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?”
ST. MOM’S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?”
ST. MOM’S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
EMPTY NESTROGEN: Highly effective supplement that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
DUMMEROL: When taken with Pepto-bimbo, can cause lowering of IQ, causing enjoyment of loud country music and cheap beer.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
RAGAMET: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
DAMMITOL: Take two and the rest of the world can go to hell for 8 hours!
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