Resume Blunders

(From actual resumes as reported by Fortune magazine)

• "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
• "I have lurnt WordPerfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheat progroms"
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Reason for leaving last job: Maturity leave."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
• "Marital status: often. Children: various."
• "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Could not work under those conditions."
• "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
• "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."