New Computer Viruses

Beware of the following new computer viruses!

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

DOLLY PARTON VIRUS - It sounds pretty good, but you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.

FREUDIAN VIRUS - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying it's own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

MAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS - It sucks the juice out of your system, but only affects laptops. Then, it emails everyone about what it did. This later activates the Independent Counsel virus.

PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

1923

1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.


Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us if we know what ultimately became of them.

The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company. Edward Hopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE. Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator. Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street. Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However:
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him? He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The Moral:
Screw work.
Play golf.

Now that I'm older

Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up) here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

10. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...

11. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

12. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

13. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

14. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

15. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

16. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

17. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

18. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

19. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

20. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE BLOGGED THIS OR NOT!

Ultimate Bulletin Bloopers

* I truly believe we have a loving family that many others want to be a part of and when they hear about it, they will run.

* One of the ways we will accomplish this is by being good stewards with our time, talents, and our honey.

* "Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on 'Destructive Pests.' A large number were present."

* "The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but city officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished."

* "The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump."

* We still need members to sign up for the Spring choir. We'd like to be able to fill up the fourth crow in the Choir loft.

* Be watching for our new Educatinal Program.

* Teresa is scheduled for tests next month. Her stomach has been hurting after eating for weeks now.

* This week's sermon- The Evils of Gossip. Opening Hymn - I Love to Tell The Story.

* Our Women on Mission will meet Monday at 10:00 a.m. Childcare will be prohibited.

The Worst Analogies Ever

The Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

Vocabulary Lesson for New Parents

BOTTLE FEEDING An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

DEFENSE What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

DROOLING How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT! What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OW The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PUDDLE A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

THUNDERSTORM A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

WHODUNIT None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

How to Write Good

Avoid alliteration. Always.

Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)

Employ the vernacular.

Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

Contractions aren't necessary.

Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

One should never generalize.

Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

Be more or less specific.

Understatement is always best.

One-word sentences? Eliminate.

Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

The passive voice is to be avoided.

Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

Who needs rhetorical questions?

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Things I'd Like to Hear, Just Once

From my auto mechanic:

• "That part is much less expensive than I thought."
• "I've never seen anyone maintain his car as well as you do."
• "You could get that done more cheaply at the garage down the street."
• "It was just a loose wire. No charge."

From my son's preschool teacher:

• "Everyone misbehaved today except Michael."
• "Michael traded his candy bar for carrot sticks."
• "I wish we had 20 Michaels."

From a store clerk:

• "The computerized cash register is down. I'll just add up your purchases with a pencil and paper."
• "I'll take a break after I finish waiting on these customers."
• "We're sorry we sold you defective merchandise. We'll pick it up at your home and bring you a new one or give you a complete refund, whichever you prefer."

From my doctor:

• "Of course I'll come by your house to check on you."
• "Give me a call at home over the weekend if you're not feeling better."
• "Sure, come on by this afternoon, we'll work you in."
• "I'll call ahead and let them know the most you will pay for that test."
• "Here, take these samples."
• "Don't worry about it, there's no charge for that."
• "I recommend you get a second opinion."

From a contractor:

• "Whoever worked on this before sure knew what he was doing."
• "I think I came in a little high on that estimate."

From my dentist:

• "I think you're flossing too much."
• "I won't ask you any questions until I take the pick out of your mouth."

From a restaurant server:

• "I think it's presumptuous for a waiter to volunteer his name, but since you ask, it's Tim."
• "I was slow and inattentive. I cannot accept any tip."

Fun Things To Do

Fun Things To Do During A Final That You Know You Are Going To Fail

* Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

* If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols.

* Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

* On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

* Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

* Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

* Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

* Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

* Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

* After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

* Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

Funny Answers from Students on Music Exams

• The principal singer of nineteenth-century opera was called pre-Madonna.
• It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
• Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.
• Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
• All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.
• An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.
• The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a pitchfork.
• Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of playing a piece.
• Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing.
• I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.
• Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
• My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
• Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard of.
• Johann Sebastian Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic.