Bill Gates Buys God

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God. The new product would be named, predictably enough, "Microsoft God," and would be available to consumers sometime in late 1998. "Too many people feel separated from God in today's world," said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsoft's new Religions division. "Microsoft wants to make divinity more accessible, this product with its easy, intuitive user interface will make God not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with."

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add on products to Microsoft God, including:

Microsoft Crusades. This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, providing access to the sacred over the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be transmitted via a Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows-based WYSIWYG interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology allows guaranteed delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After one establishes a personal relationship with it, the product will erase these files from the user's system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the user's Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of special products for the new Religions line, to facilitate niche marketing of Microsoft God These products will include denomination interfaces based on the standard religious subdivisions, allowing worshippers to interact with the God product in accordance with their customs. First to be introduced will be Microsoft God for Protestantism, Microsoft God for Catholicism, Microsoft God for Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.

Religious liberals are advised to pass on this product. Apple is planning to release a competing product, Claris Gaia, which will be based on a more relational mode of interaction, have multi-tasking capabilities and will expect the user to customize the interface based on their own unique spiritual style.