Friday, August 05, 2005

Things That Only Happen In Movies

When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out money. Just pull some out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of the year.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

Everyone can lift a sizable chunk of weapons grade plutonium very easily in their hand, even though plutonium is several times heavier than lead.

It is the law that in any car chase in San Francisco or the Rural South, any cars involved must be airborne at least once.

Anyone on a quest is exempt from any negative effects of neglected personal hygiene.

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