Twelve of the Most Terrifying Things to Hear

1. The dentist says: "This won't hurt a bit."

2. The IRS announces: "We are simplifying the tax forms."

3. Your lawyer says: "This is an air-tight case-- you can't lose."

4. Your stock broker says: "This little drop in the market is just a minor correction."

5. Your physician says: "You're in great shape--you'll live to be 100!"

6. Your business partner says: "Nothing can possibly go wrong."

7. Your best friend says: "Trust me--I'll never tell a soul."

8. The directions on a do-it-yourself kit say:"Even a child can do it."

9. Your colleagues say: "We're behind you 100%--we'll back you up."

10. Someone giving you directions says:"You can't miss it."

11. The airline pilot announces: "Just a bit of turbulence folks-- nothing to worry about."

12. A voice on the telephone says: "Congratulations! You're an instant winner!"

Some Concepts About Your Boss

1. Boss is always right.

2. Boss is never late in the office, perhaps his presence is required somewhere else.

3. Boss never sleeps in the office, he is resting.

4. Boss never flirts with his secretary, he is educating her.

5. Boss never apple-polishes his boss, he is updating him.

6. Boss never submits false vouchers, he is saving the tax by providing entries in the expense account.

7. Boss never reads newspapers in the office, he is keeping himself updated.

8. Boss never fires his subordinates he is trying to improve their performance.

9. Boss never drinks he quenches his thirst.

10. Those who don't agree with any of the above statements please refer to point no. 1.


By Order

Boss.

(Note: This is my 200th post on this blog. Hope to see the tempo going.)

I was thinking...

* I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

* You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

* I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

* I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

* I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

* I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

* I was thinking, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

* Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Famous Last Words

* I'll get a world record for this..
* It's fireproof.
* He's probably just hibernating.
* What does this button do?
* It's probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I've seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* It's strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn't taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I've done this before.
* Well, we've made it this far.
* That's odd.
* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don't be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.

Office Dictionary

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE": You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION": I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE": I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES": I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK": I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE": I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL": I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE": I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO": I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED": The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY": We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

Songs From The Hospital "Hit Parade"

* I'll be Sewing You.

* Red Cells in the Sunset.

* It's Spleen a Long, Long Time.

* It Had to Be Flu.

* On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma.

* Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney.

* The Staphs and Streps Forever.

* Old Man's Liver.

* I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace.

* The Girl From Emphysema.

* MRI Blue?

* My Melancolicky Baby.

* From Here to Maternity.

Easy Steps to Gooder Grammar

1. Don't abbrev.

2. Check to see if you any words out.

3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.

4. About sentence fragments.

5. When dangling, don't use participles.

6. Don't use no double negatives.

7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.

8. Just between You and i, case is important.

9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.

10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.

11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.

12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.

13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.

14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized.

15. a sentence should begin with a capital and end with a period

16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.

17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.

18. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.

19. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

20. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.

21. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.

22. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.

24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.

25. Avoid cliches like the plague