Finagles' Laws
First Law -- If anything can go wrong with the experiment, it will.
Second Law -- No matter what result is anticipated, there is always someone who is willing to fake it.
Third Law -- No matter what occurs, there is always someone who believes it happened according to his pet theory.
Finagles' Creed -- Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Other Axioms
Patrick's Theorems: If the experiment works you must be using the wrong equipment.
Skinner's Constant: That quantity which, when added to, subtracted from, divided by, or multiplied into the answer you got, gives the correct answer.
Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Gumberson's Law: The probability of a given event occuring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
Compensation Corollary: An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half of the data must be discarded to obtain agreement with your theory.
Carlson's Consolation: No experiment is a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.
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WEIRD AMERICAN LAWS
Alabama
It is illegal to play Dominos on Sunday. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
Connecticut
In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog. It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h., even when going to a fire.
Georgia
In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road.
Idaho
In Pocatello, "It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation."
Illinois
In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera. According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American."
Massachusetts
It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license. In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.
Minnesota
Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus. Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard. It's illegal to tease skunks.
New Jersey
It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street.
Tennessee
In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
Virginia
In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee. There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates." In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
Washington
Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.
First Law -- If anything can go wrong with the experiment, it will.
Second Law -- No matter what result is anticipated, there is always someone who is willing to fake it.
Third Law -- No matter what occurs, there is always someone who believes it happened according to his pet theory.
Finagles' Creed -- Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Other Axioms
Patrick's Theorems: If the experiment works you must be using the wrong equipment.
Skinner's Constant: That quantity which, when added to, subtracted from, divided by, or multiplied into the answer you got, gives the correct answer.
Allen's Axiom: When all else fails, read the instructions.
Gumberson's Law: The probability of a given event occuring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
Compensation Corollary: An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half of the data must be discarded to obtain agreement with your theory.
Carlson's Consolation: No experiment is a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.
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WEIRD AMERICAN LAWS
Alabama
It is illegal to play Dominos on Sunday. It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
Connecticut
In Hartford, it is illegal to educate a dog. It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. In New Britain, the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 m.p.h., even when going to a fire.
Georgia
In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road.
Idaho
In Pocatello, "It is prohibited for pedestrians and motorists to display frowns, grimaces, scowls, threatening and glowering looks, gloomy and depressed facial appearances, generally all of which reflect unfavorably upon the city's reputation."
Illinois
In Chicago, it is illegal to take a French poodle to the opera. According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The officially recognized language is "American."
Massachusetts
It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license. In Boston, it is illegal to take a bath unless one has been ordered by a physician to do so.
Minnesota
Women may face up to 30 days in jail if they impersonate Santa Claus. Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard. It's illegal to tease skunks.
New Jersey
It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. In Trenton, it is illegal to throw a bad pickle in the street.
Tennessee
In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
Virginia
In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee. There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates." In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
Washington
Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than six feet.
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